Hi anita,

There is so much to forgive myself for. I made choices to isolate myself from the people around me at an early age due to mental illness and what felt like a lack of support; from this decision I feel I have suffered the most.

If I had not made the decision to isolate myself so long ago, I would’ve built better social skills by the time I entered college and perhaps my ex and I would not have met. Or we would’ve simply passed by one another. I hurt my sister by leaving our dysfunctional home after an experience of physical abuse. I thought since our mom would have more time to spend with her, she’d be treated better. I was silly and wrong. I have said hurtful words to friends and humiliated them when I was younger. I have not handled my anger well in the past, something I work on to keep away from others.

If I could do it over, I’d do it better and I’d help everyone. If I couldn’t help my family, I’d at least be able to look out for my sister and try to find my group of people.

I used to be very angry at my mother and father. Part of my younger depression was defensive anger towards them for treating us the way they did. Part of it was switching between schools so many times and losing all of my friends. My belief at the time was that it was not easy for me to make friends as I was a more quiet and shy person towards strangers. I had gotten ahold of books and articles on dysfunctional families and started to see things I hadn’t seen before.

My mom always used to say, ‘we create our own misery in life’.’ Now that I’m here, I can’t say she’s wrong. I’m 22 and feel as though I am 50.

I was hurtful towards my parents as a teenager. I thought my anger was justified then but now I feel if I were different, everything would’ve been alright. If I were a less difficult person, if I were a happier sort of person, if I’d reached out to people, if I’d kept trying, maybe everything would be better than it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not tough enough. The reason all of this happened is me.