Hi Bee

I’ll point out that your sister is a different person and she was still abused. Any child born to your parents would be abused.

We can create our own misery in life as adults. But as children we are innocent, should be loved and protected by loving parents. Unfortunately, not all children are lucky enough to be born to healthy loving families. Any misery caused by unhealthy abusive families is 100% their responsibility.

We cannot change the past, but I hope you can take solace in the fact that you are doing your best you can to handle things in healthier ways now.

Often, abused children learn abusive habits from their parents. This is an unfortunate reality. But you as have many others are choosing to reject the behaviours that you learned as a child. I think you are not giving yourself enough credit for the steps you have been taking.

I know that while I was being abused as a child I was very angry. I enjoyed fighting with other children. I bullied bullies because I couldn’t defend myself against my bully at home. It made me feel strong and powerful. But this aggression spread, I started lashing out at my friends when they told hurtful jokes. When I noticed that I was starting to hurt my friends I stopped it all because I didn’t want to turn out the same way as my mother.

We can only change when we are fully aware of our actions.

Let me ask you, what good is coming from you torturing yourself over your past behaviour? My concern as I mentioned before is that ruminating on this is a pattern of self-abuse for you.

I would also add that this world is inherently traumatic. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has hurt someone unintentionally. Everyone has experiences of trauma by the time they become an adult. Whilst it is unfortunate that so many people experience pain, it is also a part of life. It is every adults responsibility to learn to manage their emotions and boundaries.