Dear Aislynn:

“What amazes me most is how as a child one could possibly think ‘my mother is weak; I need to protect her and be strong for her.’ It amazes me because if we think about it, there really isn’t much help I could have provided for her in the case of a robbery, financial distress, etc.” (from a previous thread) –

– as a child, you weren’t able to get a job and produce income for your mother and siblings, but you did all that you were able to do, you cooked and cleaned and took care of your younger siblings, studied hard and more. In the original post of this thread, one of your mother’s co-workers who never met you, suggested to your mother that you date her brother, and she told her brother that you “cook, clean, am hardworking…  a good daughter” because that’s what your mother told Ava. (“I’m close with my mom, and she has gotten to be friends with Ava so no doubt… my mom talked about me. Ava would always compliment how I was such a good daughter“).

You continued, still in the original post of this thread: “I feel objectified based on what Ava told her brother about me knowing how to cook, clean, etc. It makes me feel objectified because he doesn’t know me, hasn’t even seen me, and now wants to take me out. It kind of makes me feel as though he’s looking for a maid, or someone to clean up after him“.

Surely, your mother thought of you as more than a maid, more than someone who cooks, cleans and is hardworking, but she didn’t really know you, didn’t really see you throughout the years when you were growing up. If she saw how anxious and all alone you were, how overwhelmed you were, she would have done something to help you, she would have comforted you, telling you that she is taking charge of things, so that you can be a child.

Just like you didn’t tell your mother about having been bullied in school because you wanted to protect her from anxiety and worries, shouldering your anxiety and worry all alone (and in so doing, experiencing excessive, overwhelming anxiety),  in your very last post, Aug 1, 2016, you described doing the same in regard to your anxiety about dating Ava’s brother: “I haven’t spoken to my mother about the issue right now, but yesterday I woke up with the strongest anxiety I’ve had in a very long time. I actually woke up from my sleep because of how anxious I felt… I tried various techniques to take myself away from the anxiety, but nothing worked. The only technique that somewhat helped was picturing myself on a mountain and paying attention to all of the details, but even then, my anxiety and dread followed“.

Those were your last words, five years, 8 months and 26 days ago. The pattern of your childhood, continued into adulthood, was to shelter your mother from anxiety, and shoulder it all on your own, because you viewed your mother weak, as one not capable to handle her anxiety, let alone yours.

It is very important for a parent to shelter her children from her troubles and worries, so that … they don’t shelter her from their worries. Children need to be comforted by a stronger adult, otherwise, they get overwhelmed. More thoughts, later.

anita

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