Dear Tobi:

When I replied to you last night, I wasn’t very focused and did not read your whole post. I was encouraged by the part of your post where you wrote that you were indeed too emotionally invested and that you are accepting that the relationship is coming to an end.

This morning, I am reading your post thoroughly and I am concerned about you having gone to this young woman’s home, talking to her mother: “Last night, I came to see her to tell her how I felt. Instead, I met her mom. That girl was too tired to see me (according to her mom)“.

Three days ago, on April 26, you wrote: “her sister somehow won’t talk to me. I think my GF may have told her sister to stop responding to me“, and “idk if trying to care for her makes me a stalker or causes her discomfort“. On the same day, you shared that your hands were trembling, that you couldn’t sleep at nights, that your emotions were changing abruptly (“I cannot control my emotions the way I want… my heart automatically stops beating“), and you asked me if you need professional help.

Still, on the same day, you resigned from your job, “I’m too stressed to work efficiently“. The day later, on April 27, you wrote: “The last time we met in person, she just kept silence. I couldn’t force her to talk against her will because that would have hurt her more“. On that same day, I ended my reply to you recommending that you seek the professional help of a medical doctor and/ or a psychotherapist, and I added:

“I think that it is very important that you don’t behave in any way that could be viewed as that of a stalker. Do not initiate any contact with her whatsoever, not directly and not indirectly”.

Yesterday, you shared that the night before, you went to this woman’s home for the purpose of talking with her. Her mother told you that her daughter is too tired to talk to you and she talked to you instead.

Back to what you wrote three days ago: “idk if trying to care for her makes me a stalker or causes her discomfort” – you are the one who brought up the possibility that you are a stalker.

join one love. org/ inside the mind of a stalker (I will italicize and boldface the parts that definitely apply to you according to what you shared): “In many cases, stalking begins at the end of a relationship… motivating factors that drive some people to stalk…  include: (1) Rejection: … it comes as a critical blow… (2) Obsession: Stalkers are often obsessive in multiple areas of their life including their romantic inclinations. They usually have repetitive thought patterns that play like a broken record, so they gradually become so preoccupied with their target, they’re unable to sleep, forget to eat, and let their jobs go to the wayside. (3) Fantasy: Stalkers blur the lines between fact and fiction…  they’ll invent details in their head about a romantic relationship that doesn’t exist… (4) Narcissism: Stalkers are unable to recognize or respect the feelings or boundaries of others. They also lack healthy coping skills to deal with rejection”.

Psychology today/ in the mind of a stalker: “The relentless neurotic nature of the stalker can take the form of harassing their targets, calling them repeatedly, as well as sending letters and gifts… Stalkers as a group, have an impressive capacity to rationalize, minimize and excuse their behaviors… professionals should focus… on the stalkers…  as vulnerable, distressed individuals whose behaviors reflect, at least in part, the influence of a serious underlying mental disorder. The most important step in the management of stalkers is to see them as individuals in need of psychological help”.

Wikipedia on stalking: “People characterized as stalkers may be accused of having a mistaken belief that another person loves them (erotomania), or that they need rescuing. Stalking can consist of an accumulation of a series of actions which, by themselves, can be legal, such as calling on the phone, sending gifts, or sending emails… Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have). Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect)”.

My closing thought: please seek professional help as soon as possible!!!

anita