I was about 12 at the time, and I will admit like every boy who was taken care of by their mother I always wanted to see more of my dad. He coerced me by saying I could move in with him, go to the same school his girlfriends kids went to, hang out with him more, that type of stuff. That alone was a big rough time, and is probably the biggest mistake I’ve made so far in my life. I atleast have moved away from holding that over my own head, atleast I think I have.

I lied throughout my first year of college, told my mom I was doing fine when I dropped a course and failed another. We also had a ton of rough patches from outside influences, from ex step dads to ex friends etc. I also keep constantly doing things that either have her trust/faith in me vanish, which makes me want to try to either protect her from what I do or to make my self image look better. This gets the defensive lying up, atleast I think it does, but it could also be not wanting to show who I am. I have constantly tried throughout my life to be me, but I was always shot down and ostracized for it. This came to a head with the trip and false charges, then I just built myself a wall around who I am and stayed that way for five or so years. I sometimes feel that lying has been hard coded into my because of the years I spent doing it, and don’t know what really is the root to dig out.