Dear Lea:

You are very welcome. This will be a long post, and so, I hope that you have the patience to read it:

1) About your dad, reads to me that he has unfortunately passed on some of his traumatic childhood experience=> to you, just like you stated: “(he)… had quite traumatic childhood…   which (he) pass(es) down to my sister and I“.

He probably thinks (?) that you have it easy, compared to how he had it. He probably thinks something like, I didn’t have the opportunities that my daughter has, I had to work hard in the field when I was her age and didn’t have time, nor was I given the money for higher education. My daughter has this opportunity… and yet she complains! 

He doesn’t understand that another person who has a different practical life than he has and had (the time and money to study for a degree, a car at an early age, perhaps, etc.) can have valid emotional problems.

In addition to it, he doesn’t understand that he caused some of your problems and that he can help you by changing the behaviors that harmed you and keep harming you.

“Dad works so much he’s only here early morning and late night… (he) support(s) my sister in every hobby she takes up, she wants to dance, or I want to? Immediately enrolled… For my 16th birthday my dad bought me my first car and taught me to drive- which he was really calm and patient with” – he loves his daughters, he wants them to have a better life, a better future than he had. He is willing to put the money into this goal. Even though he didn’t have anyone buying him his first car, and/ or patiently teaching him how to drive- he wanted you to have that experience.

“My dad isn’t a fan of his job…  he takes on everyone else’s jobs which makes him bitter at them because he has trouble setting boundaries. He really cares about other people and wants to help- at his own expense” – (1) he wants to stop working but he can’t afford it. It makes him feel resentful, (2) people who help others at their own expense feel good, capable, useful and appreciated- at first, but sooner or later, they get resentful, angry.

It is possible that after helping you and feeling good about it (ex. buying your first car and patiently teaching you how to drive), he gets angry when you express having emotional problems, thinking something like, what was the use of my money and effort if she is having problems?

“He’s constantly giving me ‘tasks’ Eg: it smells in here that tells me you didn’t clean well enough, these dishes are greasy you didn’t put enough soap on the water, you haven’t been doing a good job cleaning the barn, I have very few expectations of you, and you are not doing a good job with” – as I see it, this is where he gets angry, thinking something like, after all I do for her, and even though her life is so much better/ more privileged than mine was, she is not fulfilling my minimal expectations of her!

In Summary: people are complex. On one hand he loves you and wants what’s best for you, and he is willing to put work and money into your well-being; on the other hand, he gets angry at you because (1) he is upset, I am guessing, that he was deprived of so much when he was growing up, and still feels deprived, so it’s his old, childhood anger rising to the surface, from time to time, an anger that preceded you and has nothing to do with you,  (2) he does not understand that a person with a life that looks very different from his, can be as difficult, or even more difficult than his life, (3) because of 1&2 he gets angry at you and when he does, he lashes out at you in anger (yelling at you, accusing you of being “sensitive and moody”, telling you that your words are garbage).

2) About your mom: “My mom carries the emotional load raising my sister and working full time… I used to lean on her, but I’ve tried to emotionally disconnect from her because it’s really started to affect her… She is very predictable, and I can often avoid upsetting her- she doesn’t upset easily to begin with though” – of the two of your parents, your dad is the “sensitive and moody” parent (which is what he accuses you of being), and your mom is the calm one. Someone has to keep the calm and she took on that role, or maybe she entered the marriage with this role. But keeping the calm is sometimes exhausting for her and it gets difficult.

“My mom always gets so mad when someone in the family is upset” – she is in the habit of suppressing her own upset, so to keep the calm. When someone in the family expresses upset, it becomes more difficult for her to suppress her own upset.

3)  What to do, where to go from here:

“It gives me anxiety that I cannot avoid getting into conflict with him” – every time he criticizes your work, or otherwise, expresses a conflict with you, your anxiety is reinforced. If he is by now in the habit of criticizing you, there is nothing much you can do about it because no matter how good of a job you do, let’s say, washing dishes, he will find something else that you didn’t do well enough- even if it was done well enough, objectively.

“I was wondering if there was some way, I could heal my hurt feelings without apology from the one who caused the hurt?” –  in regard to your father hurting your feelings, you can heal your hurt feelings without his apology, but not if he keeps hurting you. Every time he hurts you, the old hurt is reinforced.

“I always play victim, a quality I completely despise in myself…  it’s always poor me. Ugh…. I know I’m ridiculous and just need to get over it and do my work, but it is SO hard to even make myself do a small bit of it” – it will get easier if you quiet down the voice of your father that keeps playing in your head, belittling your valid feelings, disrespecting you, talking down to you.  His voice (his mental representative existing in your brain) is exhausting you and making your life difficult. Reality is, that you are a victim (all people are, unfortunately, in one way or another, at one time or another), so have empathy for yourself, don’t judge yourself negatively. In your thoughts about yourself, be respectful toward yourself.

“I tend to just agree with whatever they say because I don’t want to upset them- then I feel like I’m betraying myself later” – please disagree with me in regard to anything that I posted to you so far (if it is a sincere disagreement). I want to offer you this positive experience: disagree with me and I will respond kindly!

“The biggest issue is my lack of motivation or focus… completely exhausted at the end of it all with no fruits for the labors I feel I go through” – like I said, conflicts exhaust you. You are already doing all that you can to avoid conflicts by avoiding your father and everyone else (” I spend 98.9% of my time alone“).  Avoiding people=> avoiding conflict. So, I don’t think that it is possible for you to spend any more time away from people.

It will help if you found a person, or a group of people with whom you experience no conflict. Self-help groups used to be such places, because there were rules (example, when one person talks, no one interrupts him/ her) to prevent conflict. Also, one day when you are able to live separately, away from your father, that would be a good thing. His mental rep will still be voicing his criticisms but living away from him can be a good start for healing.

* Maybe, just maybe, if you understand something, as a result of our communication, that you didn’t understand before, and explain it to your father, maybe he will understand and change some of his behaviors… (?)

“Second worst issue is people pleasing… I respect people who have different opinions than me- but it is a great challenge to converse with those who do. I tend to just agree with whatever they say because I don’t want to upset them- then I feel like I’m betraying myself later” – you are welcome to list several issues for me as well as your opinions about the issues. I will then choose an issue about which I have different opinions than yours and…  let’s converse. I want to offer you a positive experience in this regard, an experience where you express different opinions and are true to yourself!

“Anything I have to do involving other people is exhausting because I always have to think of the best way not to upset anyone…. (I)  have a short attention span… I suspect I have adhd but there’s not much you can do about it” – fortunately, there are things you can do to gradually lessen your attention deficit symptoms, but not in the same environment where these symptoms came about. Your father will have to stop criticizing and lashing out against you, so that the environment where you live is one that is safe from criticism and conflicts.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by .