Dear anita,

Thank you for your kind words and making learning about myself possible. I am lucky to have found you.

I have been thinking hard about your words and will continue to do so.

I understand that i held myself accountable for how others treated me, feeling like i was the cause for being treated bad. Like you suggested, this being my core conflict with myself since my childhood.

I have also understood that i am indeed doing almost everything right regarding the syptoms of my mental illness, but because my core issue is not my chronic depression but ptsd, i will change my priority to working on that front.

Regarding the topic i started i understand now that i was not the person my ex wanted to be with and i am fine with that, i even understand what things about me made her hate me. When things got bad for me i held myself accountable, my head being filled with all the wonderful things my ex said to me during the good first year; thinking that if i would change or do better the relationship would become great again. But i realise now that even though i was fighting the ,,wrong” side of my issues (depression instead of trauma) that that wouldnt have mattered to her. She chose to lie to me for a year und drag me along, pretending that everything was good when it wasnt and gaslighting me about everything going wrong. She chose to treat me fragmented, ,,loving” the parts of me that she liked but almost punishing me for the parts of me she didnt like, instead of ending the relationship. I understand now that this behaviour triggered my ptsd and leading me deeper into the confusion im in now and always was, because i experienced this abuse time and time again before.

I will think about what you said regarding the contact to my parents.

With gratitude,

Ed