Dear aVoid:

“My mother was absent and my father was strict“- the absence of a mother and the absence of kindness from anywhere else created a Void in you, didn’t it?

“His family abused me” – the abuse dug into the Void, making it bigger.

“and I resented them for it. I spent most my life wanting revenge“- anger about the unfairness of what happened to you naturally poured into the Void.

“I had become addicted to alcohol and other vices” – the Void is devoid of good feelings, but it is not devoid of feelings: hurt and anger, shame, guilt and desperation rush into the Void. You poured alcohol and other vices into the void, trying to replace the bad feelings with good feelings (or to just get a break from the bad feelings), didn’t you?

“I wanted to end my life so many times, and I’ve tried” – it is too painful and too frustrating to wake up every day to the same Void day, year after year. It is disheartening to find out- every time you feel better- that the good feeling is temporary, and the Void is right around the corner. It is like waking up every day to the same empty day.

“My life has gotten much better. I moved across the country to start over. I met someone who I am currently with and she loves me. I am successful. I have everything a man needs and wants. But I feel nothing. I feel empty” – A woman loves you but her love cannot fill the Void any more than alcohol can. Material success and belongings cannot fill the Void either.

“Currently, I am sitting here after an infinity of restless nights…  Every night I struggle to fall asleep…  I have so many goals and aspirations. But I struggle doing anything because I feel so defeated. I think it’s safe to say that I have chronic depression. Always have since I was a child. I learned to live with it. But now my insomnia has gotten worse…  I am so sleep deprived and I don’t know what to do.. My mind is eating itself” – I think that you need to do something different about the Void. I think that living with it for so long has defeated you, and your mind is sick and tired of waking up to yet another day that is the same, empty, Void day… so it is on some kind of a strike: it won’t sleep before it is promised that it will wake up to a different day, a day with a plan for a real solution to the Void.

Let’s explore the Void together, a Void. I think that I can help you and myself in regard to the Void (if we have, or can develop a similar-enough understanding).

anita