Dear arabella:

I re-read your posts and I have a few comments/ questions:

“I haven’t seen or spoken to my ex in over four years until recently when we ran into each other at a mutual friend’s wedding. We spent almost the entire time catching up and drinking… I thought I could see him and these things wouldn’t surface but I was so terribly wrong”-

-(1) Not having seen your ex for over 4 years and hoping to run into him for a long time, when you were finally invited to a mutual friend’s wedding, you expected that your ex would be there, and … you thought that you could see him and things wouldn’t surface,

(2) You did not attend the wedding with your current boyfriend of four years,

(3) There were many people at the wedding, were there not, and they saw you “almost the entire time catching up and drinking” with your ex. Aren’t any of the wedding guests friends with your current boyfriend, on Facebook or irl,  and aren’t you afraid that they will tell him (or that he will find out on Facebook through photos) about you catching up and drinking with a different man almost the entire time of the wedding?

“I had all these things I wanted to say. I think I kept hoping one day to run into him and have the courage to say… we just talked about how good our sex life was and how it was hard to replicate with someone else (it’s true)… I can also feel freedom that I spoke my truth in things I’ve been carrying around for too long?“- so all those years of you waiting to say things to your ex, to speak your truth.. the truth that you wanted to tell him was that your sex life with him was irreplaceable? And telling him that made you feel free?

“I have no feelings towards my ex at all ..I don’t miss him as a person or as a boyfriend, I honestly only miss him sometimes as a lover… I don’t think I’ll ever have that kind of feeling with anyone else again.. I don’t miss the emotional aspect of our relationship… this was someone who meant a lot to me once upon a time“- (1) At first, you wrote that you have no feelings toward your ex and then you contradicted yourself,  (2) you are trying to place feelings in separate categories: feelings for the ex as a person, feelings for him as a boyfriend, feelings for him as  lover- as if he is three people. He is all three in one and you have special feelings for him, feelings you didn’t experience with your current boyfriend.

I would like to try to answer the question you asked me in the recent post that you addressed to me. I hope that I will be able to answer after you clarify the above, if you do.

anita