Dear Anita

I never really felt that I belonged in the gender binary. When I was growing up, I didn’t really care whether the actions I did were masculine or feminine as society tried to place on them. When I was in elementary school, I was a brownie girlscout (first level of girlscouts) and the troop often raised funds by selling cookies to go camping. The girls in my troop often teased me because I would enjoy coed games and often play with the boys. I felt more comfortable playing with the guys. My parents came from fuzhou, a place close to southeastern china and I was born in the United States. My family coming from Asia didn’t really have access to much information about gender and for quite some time I wasn’t really sure why I never really seemed to fit in with the girls. On the camping trips with the girlscout troop, I would go out and climb trees and catch frogs with the boys. When I got to middle school, my gym class would always play girls against boys and I felt more welcomed by the boys so I played with them. In sixth grade, I got called a “tomboy” but I didn’t really like that label because I felt that I was equal to the guys. I also felt more comfortable going into the boy’s bathroom than the girls and some people used to make fun of me for it. It was during the summer before starting seventh grade when I had my hair cut short and a mailman called me “sir” I felt elated like something fell into place, it made me laugh. It was second semester of seventh grade when I was sexually assaulted by a guy. I became quite depressed and lost my self-esteem,  I  didn’t really trust guys as much and was very confused about things. I couldn’t believe a guy would try to coerce me into showing my chest to him and he showed me his genitals. It made me deeply hurt. I was grateful to have met griffin a few weeks later who helped me learn to love and trust again. griffin made me laugh with his jokes and we would play soccer or field hockey together. I was grateful for griffin who helped me defend myself when that guy tried to hurt me again. I made friends with all of griffin’s friends and they made me feel better about myself. There was a gay-straight alliance at my middle school and they had allies for lgbtq people and I decided to join the group. But the group members weren’t really accepting of me. They made fun of me for the way I dressed because I liked dark colors and looser clothing to help hide my body. There was one person in the group that I liked, their name was bec leo. people called them a tomboy but I felt they didn’t like it much. We became good friends after I thought they (using they because bec leo identifies with he/they ) were a boy and told them they were handsome. They said that they always felt like they were a boy but was born a girl. At that instant hearing bec leo say that, it was as if something clicked. I told them that I admired them and felt the same way but wasn’t really sure how to express it. in eighth grade, I had a friend named elisha who i liked but she turned out not to be a good person. she would sometimes tell my secrets to other people and would put me down. i did tell her that i didn’t like my body and connected with the guys more and elisha embraced it and said “that’s great, you do you.” I also told her not to tell anyone because I was still trying to figure out why I felt happier with the guys and being a guy. But she told griffin and griffin was quite shocked to hear about it and we took time off our friendship/relationship. But after sometime griffin said he was proud of me for being myself and we renewed our friendship/relationship. I became very depressed in high school in junior and senior year. I liked my high school lgbtq group more because the counselor named diane was very supportive and helped me with my anxiety. she had a self-help book and i started doing more research on gender identity and discovered susan’s palace where i could talk with people about me not being sure about my gender and not really fitting with the girls. susan’s palace for transgender people was the first place i started gathering resources about people who felt they didn’t belong in the gender binary. I found the term transgender and it meant someone who identifies as a gender outside of societal masculine and feminine roles. Also, transgender is a common term used for people whose gender identity doesn’t match their birth (biological) sex. I felt that I had found something that fit and made me feel more aware about myself. At first, exploring on the site I felt I might be nonbinary (nonbinary is also a branch of the transgender community) just not really identifying as feminine but not really sure about masculine either. I tried presenting as nonbinary for a time not really caring for societal expectations of gender. I didn’t really feel like I was nonbinary though because I identified more with the guys. So I left susan’s palace and tried finding more resources. I was curious about whether people who weren’t comfortable with their bodies would undergo surgery. So I spent time looking at sex reassignment surgery and that was when I started learning about gender dysphoria and how some people have anxiety over parts of their bodies and some change it with surgery. I felt that gender dysphoria fit because I was struggling with my body a lot at the time especially my chest. When I started reading more into it, I discovered that sex reassignment surgery is an outdated term and has been replaced with gender affirming surgery. People who identify as transgender often seek gender affirming surgery to help with their gender dysphoria. Gender affirming surgery requires a therapist note and for the individual to have lived a year as their gender identity along with the hormones that they were prescribed for their transition. So the person would have to be on hormones (either testosterone for trans guys or estrogen for trans females) and live as their gender identity for a year before undergoing gender affirming surgery.

when I started community college, the lgbtq community was amazing and they had a trans guy as their president. I spent some time with him and he helped me a lot. I struggled with anorexia from junior year of high school to my community college years because I had so much gender dysphoria over my body. Many trans guys do develop eating disorders, it’s not quite uncommon for trans guys to become anorexic to look more masculine and try to build muscle. It was very difficult struggling with anorexia and the feeling that I wasn’t really masculine enough. I graduated community college and went on to stockton. I had a gender therapist who was very helpful and joined the transcendence group at stockton which helped me work on things. My therapist and the support groups helped me heal from anorexia. I also discovered the facebook group binder boys and made friends with the trans people there. I met liam in binder boys who helped me through the depression and believe in myself. also, ashley has been an amazing friend since community college and is still helping encourage me. at community college and stockton, I was able to express myself more and I lived as a guy and found it made me happier. I still struggled because my parents weren’t ever emotionally supportive and I didn’t really have healthy ways to cope with my emotions. But being at stockton is great because i have found friends who help me work through things. Liam and ashley helped me work through things and we had therapy together. Now at stockton, helping out at the farm with my friends christine and nicola i realize i love nature. learning about sustainability which is about a system that can go on without depleting the resources it’s going off on is fascinating. I love learning about the earth and wildlife which is why I decided to pursue biology and environmental science. christine and nicola have further helped me learn to channel my emotions and i love painting with them and going on nature hikes with them. I have accepted myself as trans and worked through lots of toxic beliefs and although I struggle with anxiety at times I feel more connected with myself and I love working in nature. The trans support group at stockton and living as a guy for a year made me feel happy and I felt like I found a place of belonging. Also, working on the farm is awesome helping with planting vegetables and fruits