Dear helcat,

 

Regarding jealousy, you have a habit of frequently judging and criticising yourself. It will take some time and hard work to practice restraining yourself from criticising yourself.

This will happen more naturally as you reduce your anxiety levels and develop your confidence. But you also need to acknowledge that this is a bad habit that causes you a lot of stress and commit to it being something that you no longer want to do.

If it happens, it is an accident. Try your best not to worry. Just notice it happening. Notice how it makes you feel. Understand that it is the act of judging yourself that is making you feel thatway and let it pass.

There is also something else… From my experience there are reasons that prolonge bouts of depression and anxiety. Reasons why we behave the way that we behave. For me, it was a form of avoidance. It kept me safe from the scary outside world. At the same time it prevented me from living my life and made me unhappy

 

I keep criticising myself because i keep making the same mistakes….

Even today i did the same mistake, so there is this lady in the gym (she’s probably around 40, single) so she’s joking with her friend (a girl) that they go to the gym to attract guys, that they wanna make their body more curvy and something like that….. then my trainer joke to them by saying that there is still a “kid” (me) here and they shouldnt discuss those stuffs… My trainer said that because i’m very quiet while he trains me…. then that lady joke by saying “he should hear about this topic so he can understand more about girls and not get fooled by them”, she then joke to me by saying “im correct right?”…. then i just smiled without looking at her face….. Idk why i keep having this issue…. i want to talk but idk what to talk about…. and i always have difficulties in staring a quite attractive girl… i cant look at her in the eye (it’s always been this way since i was a kid)……

I noticed that my dad is also like this…… he also never initiates any talk with a new person, unless that person is the one initiating…… and he never jokes with anyone……

I feel this is due to my genetics, do u think so?

But tbh, even my trainer said that i lack self confidence…..

 

See….. i keep making the same mistakes, it’s really tiring…..

 

 

Limiting social media use might be a good idea for you? People tend to show what they want others to see, not how things really are. Everyone has difficulties in life as an adult. No one has a perfect life.

Social media always make me feel less, like when i dont think much about how many friends i have…. then i saw a friend of mine who use to have lesser friends than me, now has more friends than me, and he got it mostly from uni…… This gives me anxiety, making me think that all this time i did it wrong in how to make friends at uni….

 

 

I think a good quality you have is that you are open to listening and eager to learn.

I’m eager to learn because i want to stand out, i always feel this way since i was a kid….. but then i have so many weaknesses and it gives me a hard time to stand out……

I’m also eager to learn is due to i hate making the same mistakes, it could cause me missing out from people…..

I really fear missing out from people, when i’m already missing out from them due to my weaknesses…. i dont want to get more far away than them…….

When i’m alone in my room, i always wonder…. why cant i have something that i can be proud of myself…. some kind of achievements that i get and no other people can get…. why cant i achieve it…..

 

 

I understand what it is like to have a slow brain. I have a learning disability that leads to slow processing and various other issues. Reducing anxiety is going to be your best friend. The more anxious you are the easier it is to make mistakes and the more difficult it is to process.

I disagree, I think you have lots of good ideas. Going to the gym was a great idea. You will minimise any superficial judgement about your height by going to the gym, being fit, strong and healthy. People will focus instead on how fit and strong you are.

One of the reasons i went to the gym is also due to it’s an individual activity, and i don’t need to interact with people to do the activity, and also because i wanna keep my mind distracted, to prevent overthinking at my room….

 

 

 

It’s great to hear that you have been developing other skills and trying new things. Learning to ride a bike as an adult is very brave. My husband doesn’t know how to ride a bike and is afraid to try. I enjoy riding my bike, it would be nice to cycle together one day.

I think you have a lot of good ideas about developing skills in activities that interest you. You are very brave taking these steps to develop yourself as a person. I bet you never thought you would be described as brave. But bravery is courage in the face of fear, not an absence of fear.

I never labelled myself as brave, because i’m not…. i cant even look at attractive girls…. how can i be considered as brave if i still act that way……

I want to try more activities because i dont want to miss out, i want to be like most people….. i actually dislike approaching people, but in uni days i force myself so i dont lose out and eventually i gain few friends…..

 

 

I think the following are some things that many people look for in a long term partner:

Physically healthy

Mentally stable (it is important that mental health conditions are well managed)

Kind

Responsible with finances

Willing to share cooking / cleaning / childcare responsibilities

Likes and wants children (if a family is desired)

 

But don’t most girls hate it, if the boy is very boring?

How about achievements? I bet most people care about this……

Like i’m currently working in my family’s office, and i dont earn my own income….. even my parents are not proud of me…. I cant see myself as a guy that a partner can look up to….

I also lack communication skills and confidence, i dont want my future kids to look at me as some kind of “useless dad”, it’ll really hurt me….

Although right now i’m sure that if i love that person very much, i’ll really cherish her…….

 

 

 

 

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing being picky, but it will make dating more difficult as it will take longer to find a partner.

As long as you are okay with it taking longer, that is fine. However, if the goal is to date sooner rather than later it could be beneficial to try dating people that you wouldn’t normally consider. I think it is worth taking the time to get to know people as they can surprise you. If after getting to know smeone you still find you have a lack of romantic interest it is quite acceptable to move on. It is all really up to you and your preferences.

I always fear something that hasnt happen yet, like i keep imagining the girls’ parents might judge me or something like that…. regarding my appearance or my family….. Because i want a good quality girl (quite attractive and well-educated)…. if this is the case, i bet the parents will want to have a good quality son in law…..

I also need to learn how to talk to my future girlfriend’s parents….. I still have difficulties in casually talking with “parents”…. i keep acting like a good boy who’s obedient every time i talk to parents……

Even with people older than me, i used to talk to them like an obedient younger guy….. i can’t casually talk, i think it’s due to me avoiding judgements….. and i have difficulties in making sentences while talking to them….. But then there’s a day when she (the senior) told me to just talk to her casually, what’s wrong with talking casually…. and eventually i talk to her casually…. at first i have difficulties in choosing the words to talk to…. Then i studied on how she talks with her friend, then i copy her friends way and i can talk to her easily…..

It’s always this way…. i always need a material to understand something…. i cant think it by myself….

 

This is why i have difficulties in talking to new people…. i need to study that person first, so i can feel safe and have a material to talk to…

But then this method is always too late, eventually that new person will label me as a not approachable person….

 

 

I also think that you write well and I am a literacy tutor.

I still feel that i have a weak grammar, i may be able to write english sentences that people can understand, but i still cant form english sentences professionally.