Dear RO:

You wrote 3 days ago: “I did read about it all – OCD , HOCD trying to figure out if it’s just intrusive thoughts or really my real sexuality“.

Let’s look a bit at Wikipedia‘s entry on OCD:  “the primary symptoms of OCD are obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are persistent unwanted thoughts, mental images, or urges that generate feelings of anxiety, disgust, or discomfort. Common obsessions include … intrusive thoughts about religion, sex, and harm. Compulsions are repeated actions and routines that occur in response to obsessions. Common compulsions include excessive hand washing… seeking assurance, and checking things.”-

– doesn’t this description fit with your experience perfectly, and isn’t your obsessive questioning a compulsion meant to seek assurance that your sexual orientation is heterosexual?

Back to the Wikipedia‘s entry: “Similar to other intrusive thoughts or images, some disquieting sexual thoughts are normal at times, but people with OCD may attach extraordinary significance to such thoughts. For example, obsessive fears about sexual orientation can appear to the affected individual… as a crisis”- doesn’t this fit your experience as well?

center for anxiety disorders. com/ obsessive compulsive disorder/ hocd starts with: “If you are questioning your sexuality, how do you know do you know the difference between having HOCD and actually being gay?”. It then lists “Typical HOCD symptoms”, which include: * Currently suffering from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) * Recurring unwanted or intrusive thoughts about your own sexuality…  *Homosexual thoughts are repulsive to you, rather than arousing…

“Typical Homosexual characteristics include: *Homosexual thoughts are enjoyable and/or arousing to the person, even if they hide their sexual orientation from others or are ashamed of it * Having had past sexual experiences with those of their same gender… * Often, people who are gay report having felt differently than their same-sex peers at an early age. Additionally, researchers have found they preferred to engage in activities associated with the opposite sex from early childhood onward“- in your cases, the first time you experienced sexual orientation thoughts was at 19, about a dozen years removed from “an early age”.

To elaborate and clarify my reply to your question an hour and a half ago: you are welcome to share more about (your obsession with) your sexual orientation, and other members will reply to you as they will, but I will not answer questions that are part of your obsessive questioning because like you stated yourself on Sept 23: “I know obsessive questioning is never satisfied with answers“.

I wish you no longer suffer from this (or any other)  obsession. I wish that you will soon experience a lifetime relief from obsessive thinking!

anita