Dear Caroline:

“I am pretending the person I would like to be, although It is not a different person, it is me – fixed. Right?“- right: it is not a different person. The people-pleasing, submissive person is not the real you, it is how you adjusted the real you so to manage certain unfortunate circumstances. Being assertive and valuing yourself is the real you.

“We have this colleague… I do not act inferior with her, I noticed. Sometimes I feel … guilty? That I am ‘superior’ and she is waiting for me to respond although I do not think it’s bad, I am busy, I do not do it on purpose“- (1) The guilty feelings about not acting inferior to someone, these guilty feelings want you to act inferior. Don’t satisfy this guilt’s motivation, (2) Think of yourself as Equal to others, not Inferior and not Superior. Think of others the same way, and then let (or fake) your behaviors so to fit the Innate Equality Principle when it comes to human worth.

“Anita, You were asking questions about this moment: how do I feel? My heart was racing very fast, my stomach hurt… my voice was shaking I think and I have trouble breathing… I gasp for air when I start talking. What was the actual situation that brought about these feelings and sensations? – Just the fact we are in a meeting and I have to show I prepared something, they seem demanding, they are in a rush often, What were my thoughts following the situation? – I was obsessed thinking I was incompetent, that they would think I am not smart and the fact that they are mostly men over 50s-60s, they are important for the company and they earn a lot, they seem and look like important people  – I think it bothers me how small I am compared to them”-

-(1) “they seem and look like important people“- imagine these important/ superior looking people in situations that they really experience every day, situations where they don’t look or sound… or feel superior, such as when they suffer from intestinal gas or when they step on the scale and can’t see their feet, (2) “thinking I was incompetent“- think about the important-looking people in the meeting: they are currently incompetent in some ways, and in all the ways they are now competent, they used to be incompetent.

What I did right above is correcting limited or distorted thinking so to make it more balanced and true to reality.

When you have another situation and would like to do this exercise again, feel free to post about it.

anita