Dear Rhonda:

You are very welcome. I am sorry for all your losses: both parents, two grandparents, and a friend. No wonder, following all these losses and being really depressed,  that you need your boyfriend’s support, particularly being that you are a single mother and expectant mother of a second child.

In your recent post you stated your goal very clearly and asked a question: “I want to try everything possible to make this work… keep us as his family…  get the older friend to back off…  I’m asking, ‘how?’…  do not know the right way to go about this“- I am re-reading all that you shared so to try to answer your question. I’ll refer to your boyfriend (now 25)  as B and to the elderly man (now 73) as E. In all of the following quotes I will substitute your references to the two men with “B” &” E”, for simpler reading.

First thing, you wrote: “Recently E refused to watch my son for me to take B on a 12 hour ride to his new job but jumped to take B  himself“- I wouldn’t leave my 6-year-old boy alone with E for any amount of time, given E’s sexual behavior five years ago in regard to the then 19 or 20-year-old B. B was only a boy then (and still, I imagine) from the perspective of the elderly E.

I will now go over what you shared: B used to do drugs and he “used people (men and women) through sexual favors to get rides and money“. At 20, B was in a bad situation and E, 68 at the time, asked B “if B wanted to change his life“. At this point, Rhonda, I am thinking of the 19-20-year-old B as a scared,  desperate young man, only a year removed from being a teenager.. practically not yet an adult. He is very much alone, no support from family… and this father-grandfather figure shows up promising support. B’s reaction to E’s offer: “B left with E that night“. B left with E because he thought that E meant help and safety.

“E went with B on the roads and allowed B to do all the same stuff he was doing“, and “took care of B and provided a ride to jobs“. Fast forward five years,  “they’ve been super close ever since“. The nature of their closeness, from B’s perspective: “B says that E is part of the family and isn’t going anywhere… They tell each other they love each other every single time they talk… There have been times B playfully slapped E’s butt or flirtatiously poked at him. There have been long eye gazing…B said E’s’ like a father figure“- I would like to think that a father-son/ parent-child relationship means no sexual innuendos, talk and behavior, but… very unfortunately, this is not the world we live in: it happens that there is sex between some parents and their biological children (of minor and adult age), aka incest,  so it is not surprising that sex takes place between some older people and the desperate younger people looking up to the older ones as parent-figures.

You mentioned that E is a closet-gay man who made his true sexual orientation known to B. You mentioned another gay guy, I’ll refer to him as G: “The night B and I met, B had invited G over at the same time of inviting me over. At the end of the night G found out we were leaving together and (G said to B), I quote:  ‘Bitch you’re not going anywhere with her. You’re coming with me.’ … Later I found texts… where B promised they’d have fun together if G would give him a ride“- I am not an expert, but it is my understanding that in the gay glossary, the term bit**  refers to a sexually submissive gay guy, the one to offer certain sexual services rather than the one to receive such. This is something for you to consider in regard to B’s sexual behavior.

“I recently found out that B had past sexual experiences with men (mostly receiving oral for money or rides from the other party)“- B may have been embarrassed to share with you that he has been offering this act to men, rather than receiving it. Perhaps he does both, I don’t know.

“Since we’ve met B completely changed into a hard working family man that I’m proud of. My only problem is E that can’t respect boundaries… I worry B’s faking everything with me to use me like he used a lot of other people but at the same time he spends a lot of time with me in person and on the phone and we have a good sex life. B said that…“- it doesn’t matter to me what E told you because I don’t trust him to be a decent or an honest person. In regard to B’s sexuality, seems to me that he is a bi-sexual man who enjoys sex both with women (he got you pregnant as well as another woman in Arizona), and with men. Any time he goes on the road, I wouldn’t trust him to not have sex with men, if I was you. Please be careful in regard to STDs, particularly the chronic ones (ex. Herpes) and the potentially lethal ones (ex. Aids).

I think that B had a very disturbing family life growing up and that he has been confusing love and sex: confusing the sexual pleasure he gives and receives with.. giving and receiving love.

And now to your goal & question: “I want to try everything possible to make this work… keep us as his family…  get the older friend to back off..  I’m asking, ‘how?’…  do not know the right way to go about this“-

– I gave this a lot of thought and I can’t think of any other suggestion than this: shop for a relationship psychotherapist who has lots of experience counseling the LGBTQ community, a community where your boyfriend (B) and his “best friend” (E) belong, and attend counseling with your boyfriend (relationship counseling aka couple relationship).

I wish I had an easier answer or suggestion, one that will make you feel better right away… but I don’t. Do you, having read this reply, have an idea or ideas that didn’t cross my mind, in regard to your goal and question?

* One more thing: why doesn’t your boyfriend drive or.. able to own a car, at this point?

anita