Dear Addy,

you’re very welcome.

That’s also true yes. I think that’s why there are wounds that’s still there and also the shield so it’s me who’s not letting it heal I guess… So, most of from what you said I think maybe yeah there’s a shield. I can’t deny that.

Yes, and this shield is rather common, it belongs to the part of ourselves which is called the Protector. According to the Internal Family Systems, we have various parts of our personality. One of them is our wounded inner child, which is very fragile and needy. And then there’s Protector part, who is guarding the wounded inner child.

It seems that your Protector part says “you can’t hurt me”. Probably that’s the decision you made (unconsciously) as a result of ongoing verbal abuse by your father, in your childhood. You didn’t want to admit to neither of your parents that you’re hurt.

I guess you didn’t want to admit it to your father out of spite, because you didn’t want him to see you as weak and needy. Maybe another reason is that he didn’t approve of “weak” boys (maybe he sent you the message that “boys don’t cry”?)

And to your mother, maybe you didn’t want to admit that you were hurt because she kind of expected you to be strong and take your father’s abuse silently (“She didn’t wanted this matter to grow and fight more so she just told me be silent and she’ll talk with my father and try to make him understand.”) She promised you she’d talk to your father, but even if she did, it didn’t help much, has it, since your father continued to yell at you?

So in effect, your mother didn’t protect you from your father, even though she promised she would. But you probably felt obliged not to show your distress and hurt – to stay strong and silent – because she asked you to, maybe even pleaded with you? And you love your mother a lot, and don’t want to see her distressed, so you obeyed.

Even to this day, you don’t want her to see you in a bad mood. You put a big smile whenever you talk to her and pretend that all is well, don’t you? And your mother likes it when you wear that signature smile of yours, “the brightest smile”.

In fact, this attitude of yours:

I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

…. seems to me like a direct consequence of your mother’s expectation/plea to stay silent and not to complain about your father’s abuse. There was no point in complaining because you didn’t want to upset her. Was that the reason you left home at the age of 16  – so you wouldn’t need to take your father’s abuse silently any more?

I do use sarcasm as a defense mechanism time to time. But I think I have to protect my heart in one way or another don’t you think so?

It’s a false way to protect your heart, which results in you being insincere and cynical. A better way would be to say something like “What you just said hurt me. Please don’t use that tone with me in the future.” So you express your vulnerability, but also your willingness to protect yourself and to set boundaries so people can’t hurt you so easily. Perhaps it can be called the way of a gentle warrior… 🙂