Dear Dan,

I have a hard time getting angry, I don’t really ever get angry, I usually get sad and upset at myself.

Yes, you’ve mentioned that before – that you never get angry, even with people who clearly abused you, such was your brother. Not getting angry at your abuser but instead, getting angry at yourself is a trauma response. That’s a typical reaction of a child who was abused and never protected. The child always, without exception, puts the blame on themselves. Unless there is a loving and compassionate adult who can help him process the trauma and put the blame and responsibility where it belongs: on the abuser.

So please know that you not getting angry is the result of the unresolved childhood trauma. Anger in this case would be a natural self-defense mechanism, telling us that we are violated. Anger is necessary to protect ourselves.

So I think it would be super important for you to see a therapist, preferably someone specialized in childhood sexual abuse, and process that trauma. During the healing process, you would be able to express anger at your abuser as well, which would help you not feel helpless anymore. Getting out of powerlessness and helplessness is key in healing trauma.

I don’t think getting angry helps anyone or anything.

Actually it does, as I’ve just explained. Because anger is a natural self-defense reaction. But it’s best if you deal with it in therapy, and get angry in a controlled, safe environment. Getting angry at your abuser (in a safe, therapeutic setting) can be extremely healing.

Maybe I should ask her to meet in person so that I can get some closure. Although I know that I would probably lose my composure if I saw her.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet her in person, because she’s already made up her mind. And as you say, you would probably start crying and begging her not to do it, and it would leave you even more hurt, even more inconsolable. I don’t think that anything good would come out of meeting in person.

After she texted that she was filing, I haven’t responded. I’m not sure if I should or if I just stay silent. Maybe silence speaks more volumes.

You don’t need to respond. I mean, whatever you say won’t change her mind anyway. She probably knows how hurt you are. So, if you don’t feel strong enough to respond, don’t. You don’t need to be polite with her. Sometimes indeed silence speaks volumes.