dear Anita

thank you for being honest with me , i wasnt angry at you because you brang holidays and new year resolution , maybe because we are chatting and not speaking , that came like i was angry . i remembered all the time i set a goal for new year and i did nt achieve it and maybe that same out as anger but it wasnt directed to you . however i got annoyed when you told me saying the doctor that his mom is a wh@@@ wouldnt be helping to him , it angered me that you think i should help him when he basically kick me when i was down . i was angry and let myself go and lash to someone who deserved to be insulted in this particular case , did i want a apology ?no , because i knew i couldnt get from him . do i care for him to get a better person ?no , he didnt ask for my help and i dont believe in changing people . i just wanted to call him out on his behavior s i wouldnt play this in my mind over and over about how i should do or say this or that , im relieved right now , im not angry about him anymore .

–your anger at him deserves my time. My anger ruled my life, anger and fear, I’d say. So, whatever anger is strong in you deserves your time and mine.i appreciate that you care about me and how i feel , however in my experience i learned to not dig deep in situations like that , the less i talked about it the less the situation affect me .  i talked about this incidence twice , once here and another time with a friend and i didn`t say the whole thing .

Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, also known as ‘splitting’… * Inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control…” i was  diagnosed with BPD based on the sense of abandonnement once someone ignores me and the way i reacted to my emotions , i was controlling and confront the person who was ignoring me and asking them what was wrong with them to do it but actually i was asking what is wrong about me to make you to ignore me  , to be honest im not like this anymore or it gets much better right now . im not that focused on other people opinion of me . i got too much time to obsessing over peoples opinion before and i believed everybody was like that , i mean i thought  they were sitting somewhere trying to ignore me on purpose , i dont think like that anymore once i started to work . i was overvaluing some people around me who are not good influence and wanted to drag me down , but i dont know what actually happened after my dad passed ?i guess i just realized life is too short to spend my time with this people , i mean the people who are intentionally mean or are generally inconsistent in their efforts so you wouldnt know how you stand with them .   i get rid of them , maybe im bpd free . im not sure but honestly i dont have that rage i used to have and i dont feel that emptiness , i used to feel .

i hope you didnt translate my lack of interest to talk about this guy as an aggression , it doesnt work for me to talk about it , i was there when i was constantly talking behind someone back who hurt me over and over , i admit im still doing it but it became much less that before and i could feel that putting a lot of thoughts and talking makes me suffer for longer period , its not for me .

at the end i wish we can pass this situation because i think there was no intention to do harm on either side .

best wishes and happy new year

far