Dear Janus:

I decided to submit my post today here, on this Nov-Dec 2016, 2-page thread, and an identical post in your Dec 2015-current (Jan 2023), 94-page thread. The reason is that the title of this thread includes the word Transgender and the term Gender Dysphoria, which I hope will get the attention of people out there looking for forums on the topic.

Yesterday, you submitted posts in all of your threads: Lost in Life (Aug 2015), Overcoming Fear and Doubt (Feb 2016), Dreams and Goals (Feb 2016), Gender and Personal Identity (Aug 2016), Transgender or Gender Dysphoria (Nov-Dec 2016) and Too Criticizing of Myself  (Dec 2015- current, Jan 2023, 94 pages).

In your very first post on tiny buddha, on Aug 14, 2015, you wrote (I will boldface some of  what suggests to me body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria and/ or being a transgender male): “I’m not sure where to go in life. I am a wiccan and aspire to become a reiki healer… I want to enter the medical field… I see insecurities and flaws in my body“. On Aug 15-18, 2015, you wrote on your very first thread: “I think the pain began at the end of fifth grade in June… They said I was too athletic and tomboyish.. In seventh grade..  I also got sexually harassed by a guy”. On Feb 2016, you wrote (in another thread): “I’m not good enough compared to my friends, I’ll never be as skinny or as athletic as them.. I tend to be worried about my weight, my body“.

Still in Feb 2016, you wrote: “My goals:… stop being so criticizing of myself… I would love to have the confidence to tell the people and the guy that I love how much I care about him. ..the best feeling about being in love with someone is that it makes you appreciate your life..  he means the world to me and I would do anything for him and if I have to let him go I’ll be okay as well”.

In Aug 2016, you wrote: “Sometimes I question the power of my gender. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier being a male. My ap world history teacher who is also a psychology teacher says teens experience gender identity issues… I often hide myself with casual clothes b/c I don’t want attention..  I often bury myself in my academic subjects often afraid to even approach the subject of physical relationships… I find that I am the polar opposite of my family, mostly my mom, and I don’t even want to look like her, which is one of the reasons I sometimes question my gender identity and the thing is, I don’t look like her… I enjoy playing sports and casual clothes while she enjoys buying clothes, shopping, typical feminine things. I also enjoy letting out my anger in creative ways such as dancing or writing, while they often let their anger control them. I am easy to talk to and don’t judge others regardless of whoever they are, while my parents will be a bit judgmental”.

In Nov 2016, you wrote: “Lately all I feel like is covering up by body and not wanting anyone to see it… Even through the years that I was bullied in seventh and eighth grade, the idea of gender identity never crossed my mind, I was happy to be me. But after I had to quit gymnastics..  in late October.. I’ve been getting the memory of the time in late August after gymnastics practice, when a guy was sexist to me. during the time, he thought I was wearing a leotard to sexually stimulate men… On my junior year at high school.. when the summer of junior year rolled around, I couldn’t wait for it to be winter b/c I kept thinking that I wasn’t safe as a girl, that I needed to change my gender. Towards winter, I thought I would be more comfortable since I was wearing sweatshirts and keeping my body hidden… There are times when I act like a guy and feel much better, but underlying that is still a fear that I’m not safe as a girl… I despise gender roles in society… I think the term ‘tomboy’ is a bit insulting to girls and also the princess complex that girls should be princesses and guys should be superheroes… Before puberty, I often acted like a guy, but I wore skirts and didn’t really care. I wanted to be genderless, neither a guy nor a girl. After I hit puberty, I was okay with it, but I disliked the girls talking about how to make their bodies attract more attention from guys so I didn’t really associate with girls. Also since I liked competitive sports, camping and doing strenuous activities, I had a lot of guy friends… I didn’t really feel much of the social anxiety until march of my junior year… I can focus on myself as a person and other days, I identify with females being weak… Sometimes I see males at school trying to show off their strength and fighting and I realize I don’t want to be like that, neither do I want to be the female who shows off her body wishing her bosom was bigger b/c I don’t care about these things. I would much rather be intelligent than anything else.

“But my mind keeps thinking that I’m not good enough as a girl. I have a patriarchal family and my mom has an aunt who favors her son more than her daughter… my mom has a bit of a short temper and I don’t like that. I think part of why I hate being female is that my mom is judgmental, pessimistic, temperamental, too materialistic, likes the fancy clothes (which I don’t care about)… I am not like my mom and I don’t even want to look like her. I am compassionate, open-minded… I’m searching for emotional strength as well and I have often thought that being male would help me be stronger, but I feel like the illusion of physical strength isn’t really real strength. There was a while when I thought I was great and confident after working out, but now I work out a lot and I still don’t feel peace with myself. The thing I want most in life is emotional fulfillment, to know myself beneath the labels… to see myself not really in either gender, but as an evolved human being who knows exactly what their soul is. It was also drilled in my mind to not flirt or be involved in sexual activity either… There are questions I wish I knew like how my mom felt when she first held me in her arms”.

My comments today, Jan 13, 2022 on the above quotes (I did not at all quote you from your longest, 94-page thread): I ended the above collection of quotes with your sentence: “There are questions I wish I knew like how my mom felt when she first held me in her arms” because to me, this is a very, very significant sentence: you were wondering if it meant anything to your mother to hold you for the very first time.. because you never received from her- seems to me- any acceptance, beginning in the very beginning of your life. What you did receive from her (again, this is my understanding, not necessarily the-truth-the-whole-truth-and-nothing-but-the-truth so to speak) is anger and rejection. And so, you rejected her in return, rejecting her as the (traditional) woman that she has been, and rejecting all of traditional womanhood as well.

You wanted or needed to be the opposite of your mother (“I find that I am the polar opposite of..  my mom, and I don’t even want to look like her“) physically and mentally: to not look like her, to not think like her, to not feel like her, and to not behave like her. Add to this the patriarchal attitude of your traditional family/ society (viewing women as weak and inferior; viewing men as strong and superior), adding to the mix having been sexually harassed in school as a female… no wonder you didn’t want to be a woman.

I didn’t comment on all the quotes I chose, and I have more thoughts about them. We can talk more, if you want but it is perfectly fine with me if you don’t want to elaborate on anything I mentioned above, I want you to feel comfortable here and everywhere else!

In your updates to your first 5 out of 6 threads (threads of Aug 2015-Dec 2016), you shared yesterday, Jan 12, 2023, the following (I am re-arranging what you shared, so to fit a chronological order, best I can): in 2018, you were diagnosed with gender dysphoria and attended counseling and therapy with counselors and with a gender therapist, over the years. In 2018, you started a wiccan site with a friend (still operating it). In 2018, and in 2019-2020, you saw a nurse practitioner, nutritionists and counselors, and they helped you come up with workout and meal plans (to combat eating disorders and over-exercising). Starting in 2019, you started to let go of trying to fit gender stereotypes and you joined the Transcendence group at Stockton University, and met some gender non-conforming people. In 2021, you earned a reiki certificate. In the past couple of years, you decided what specific career you want to pursue, and you are pursuing it (“I have decided to pursue biology and environmental science, with a career.. helping with environmental sustainability and resources for NJ fisheries and wildlife”). In 2022 and the start of 2023, being at Stockton, you experienced a lot of growing and healing while pursuing your chosen career.

“I loved having Transcendence group people friends where I could be myself… My gender journey hasn’t been easy but I feel more clear about myself… I realized that I was much happier presenting as a guy, working on letting go of gender stereotypes“.

– Thank you for all that you shared through the years, including these very uplifting and inspiring updates. CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS for all your amazing achievements!!!

You are an inspiration and you have a lot of good to offer the world, Janus: one step, one day at a time!

anita