Tee,

She was living with her again but she told me they don’t have sex or anything. And they did not have in months. I believed her but.. I cannot imagine this to be true, honestly. I don’t want to accuse her though..but if that girl loved her and tried to hurt herself, wouldn’t she ever try to kiss her? It may be naive of me to believe that. I think I realized that but wanted to believe her.

Another part is that she lost her job and had to move out, when this happened, so they both moved out to some place, I don’t know what it was.. Some family of this girl provided them a place. Maybe I was not mature enough at that time to understand that she lost her job and had no place to live, and all I wanted was explanations and I was jealous, instead of asking her to move in with me, help her in some way (me being selfish).  But I was still living with my parents. And she acted like she did not want me anymore, and she chose to take care of her ex girlfriend. I didn’t know what to do. I could not communicate well and she couldn’t either. She just stopped responding and sometimes texted me at night, random messages, for two months. Many times she was drunk, said she would meet me but never did. It was a month of misunderstandings and miscommunication. And then I cheated. And I then went to see her, we watched a movie, drank wine, had sex. It was nice. But in the morning she asked me if I hooked up with anyone else during last month, she asked it as a joke. And then I said “yes, twice”. I think I wanted her to know, I knew she asked it as a joke but I wanted to say it..to make her jealous, to revenge, I don’t know.. I think I was angry. I was happy to see her and loved her but I was really hurt and this was the way I could express it. Instead of saying how I was feeling I wanted to hurt her. And that was the end of us. We texted couple of times after that, she had some weak moments, asked me if I still loved her etc, but it felt like she was playing with me..  I could not handle it anymore and just found someone else and cut her off.

“So maybe it was more like revenge, you feeling hurt that she cut you off so rudely from her life? Also, you probably believed she doesn’t care about you (again, rightly so, based on her behavior), and so you didn’t care much if you hurt her either. Would that explain what happened?”

Yes. I wouldn’t explain it better! I did not understand my feelings then. I am having a hard time understanding it now. But this conversation really helped me to clear some things up.

“What exactly are you hoping to achieve by reaching out? Would you like to get back together with her? Or you just want some closure?”

I want to talk to her, feel what I felt at that time when I was with her.. because that was the only and the last time I felt so strongly in love. (Even though I fell in love with a guy later but it wasn’t the same)

I don’t think I would like to get back with her, to be in relationship. I don’t want to ruin the life that I have and I don’t think she is stable.

I want to have sex though, I have been fantasizing about this a lot and I think it would be more than just one time.

Sorry if this is too honest or too much.