Hello Tee,

I will, I will write a letter, I agree it’s a good idea to process my emotions and find closure.

For now I think I need a break, just I don’t know how to be strong enough and stop obsessing. Yesterday I found some of her pictures (I deleted all of the pictures from my laptop but I found an email that I sent to myself..with all the pictures she ever sent me, all the pictures I ever took of her and us. And I found a letter, short letter I wrote to her, but probably never sent because I sent it to myself – saying how she always forgives and takes her back (her ex) but not me. That she’s not interested in getting to know me, talking to me, fixing things, she’s just angry, jealous and emotional every time I do something wrong and she just shuts me off. Even after saying that she loved me. And that she always says how fucked up I was. I wrote this and did not sent, maybe I told her some of it, I don’t remember. It made me sad and got me thinking even more… I remember meeting her after writing this letter and we still did not communicate. There was this time she got angry because she saw me texting someone and wanted me to never talk to her again (it was 2am at night and I just got up and left without a word. She tried calling me but I was going home, crying, did not want to talk to her. After a week we met again and it was all good. I was such a victim, I let her do all this to me.)

I think I should stop.

I already made a decision to text her, like couple times. And then I changed my mind and didn’t.

When I am with my girlfriend it’s ok, I forget about this for brief moments and then she goes home and I am alone with my thoughts again, with my fantasy. Today during the day I started being afraid of another night with those thoughts.Another time that I will try to text her although I see pretty clearly now why I was so hurt and so angry. She did not want to be with me because I did not have anything to offer. This ex girlfriend gave a place to live and a job, vacation in exotic countries etc. When she tried to move out (after she met me and fell in love with me) she was angry that everything is so expensive and she needs a comfortable life. I see it now how I could not give this to her, that’s why maybe she was in love but there was an issue.. and it was easy to reject me even though she had feelings for me.

I don’t know why I am thinking about this so much. It’s so tiring, I hate those thoughts already. They are torturing me. I am alone again and it’s starting all over again. I will try to distract myself somehow.