Coucou Tee,

Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.

I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?

But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?

I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave?

I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions???

On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love…

I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?

Yes Exactly!

Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?

No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings

Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).

I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.

But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?

Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?

Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results

You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.

It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…

I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better.