Dear Anita,

“for a little girl, a young child (hatchling), a scenario where a parent abandons her for another child (a prettier child, a smarter child, etc.) means death” … “Fast forward, projecting your father into your boyfriend, you fear being abandoned by him for another young woman.. one who is more to his (N’s) standards, and the fear feels like the fear of death.”

I think back to my childhood, I am the oldest of four and I always did everything I could for my dads approval, I dedicated myself to a sport, which I did have fun with, but I also never thought there was another option, it just never occurred to me, it was to just keep getting better and I found satisfaction in the improvement I saw in myself. I did take a-lot from it, hard work does get you results, I did intense workouts every day that he would ask me about at every dinner. Many days I of course wanted to skip a workout and didn’t but I didn’t because I wanted to be able to say yes when he asked me at dinner. I eventually did get in very good shape, which helped me feel more confident in my sport. He complimented my physic, I will never forget him commenting how fit I looked in the “love-handle” area while at the beach in Hawaii, I remember feeling odd about it but also satisfied that he was proud. This to say, I did “follow the rules” of his conditional support, in fact I feel the sister I had a bad relationship for a while with, resented me because I was setting a lofty expectation that she felt short of. I was the one chose over her… so it is interesting to me that I still fear not being “the chosen one.” It is almost like since I WAS, now I can’t not be.. that feeling of “death” is so real, it truly is that intense. Is the solution here also emotion regulation skills?

“I can’t think of a better partner for you.”

This is very sweet, thank you 🙂

“Hatchling grew up with this instinctual fear being triggered. She is still afraid of being completely abandoned.” … “Objectively, N ending the game when he did, and the way he did, was not abusive or even rude, in my estimation. Subjectively, it felt terrible to hatchling because she is so very sensitive to any event that, to her,  has a taste of abandonment, no matter how vague, weak, or minor.. or non-existent the taste is in objective terms.” … “For hatchling, any taste of abandonment from someone she needs emotionally (N), is a clear-and-present danger, strong and major.”

Making note of this.

“– N can’t be nice enough to undo what your uncles did to hatchling, nor can he be nice enough to change the conditional “love” of your father, and turn it into an unconditional love. Your healing may require quality professional therapy.”

My first and only therapist that I have had was quality but her way of doing things was very hands off, she was awesome and her method worked for that time of my life where I was being awakened, but now I would like more intense therapy where someone can actually give me the type of insight that you do. Rather than just sort of having someone who just listens, with very light amount insight/advice. What type of therapy would you recommend?

““The fact the disconnect is on his end I feel alleviated of blame, but then I still feel the concern for its end, because it is in his control and that feels unstable to me“- I am not sure I understand this part, but I’ll say this: N is not Perfect, but reads to me that he is..  close enough to it (and nobody is perfect). He makes mistakes and he will make mistakes in the future.“

– By this I meant, N is not aware that being at his parents house caused him to feel the same as when he was a child. He is not aware, that going on that little hike, on that torn up trail where I felt disconnected from him, has to do with something going on inside of him.      Before I saw your comment:

(““Perhaps I can still ask him even though the feelings are not fresh on his mind?“- you asked this in regard to the unpleasant walk in nature when taking a break from being in the distressing company of his parents. I suggest that you ask him this if and when he brings up the topic of his parents.”)

I actually asked him this morning, how he has felt since the trip or reflected on how he felt back at his parents, and he just said “I enjoyed it and didn’t feel badly there this time..” As I am really putting effort into how I feel and why, I have this feeling like he is not on that same path and I have a desire for him to be on it too. I want him to be aware of his feelings on that torn up path, and I want him to be aware that he disconnected from me there. I know he is amazing and not perfect, so I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations, but I can’t help but crave the same self awareness.

My rational self, outside of the feeling, can see that he didn’t do anything wrong in the game situation. When you said “N can’t be nice enough to undo what your uncles did to hatchling” I can see how this can be true, but unfortunately I don’t think my feelings follow my rationale here. When I read this there is a part of me that understands and a part of me, I am assuming hatchling, who still believes he can be nice enough to heal me … I don’t necessarily believe it, but I feel it, if that makes sense. It is an interesting feeling to feel split internally here.

“(2) Experiencing these feelings is human and there will always be feelings that are uncomfortable to feel, but you can lower the intensity of these feelings via emotion regulation skills, which means to indeed lower their volume.”

This is so interesting because it goes along with my internally split feelings, like I mentioned just before. It’s like when I am in the emotion I can see it overpowering me, I can’t escape it cause I don’t yet have the tools, but I find myself searching for tools when I am in the emotion. I realize there is a lack of emotional regulation skills while in it and it can be a very paralyzing place to be.

“hatchling’s trauma/ fear of abandonment (which took hold way before you ever met N), and therefore, it is not about N’s actions.”

I am circling back to this, you mentioned much earlier in your last post, but it stuck with me. When you used the analogy of a fawn and her mother and abandonment = death, it got me wondering where exactly this fear of abandonment is from. These are my two hypotheses:

My dad did was not really ever emotionally there. But as far as physical abandonment, he did move out, and into a hotel after my moms final time cheating on him. I of course understood because I knew why he was leaving and I actually agreed with it, I would have done the same. So I don’t think I felt abandoned, but maybe I felt it was unfair I was left with her and he didn’t take me. Once he got a house, about 6 months later I decided to move in with him.

My mom was emotionally in and out, she had a drinking problem, I found out later. She always had a glass of wine in her hand, it never made her aggressive with us, infact she was perhaps too clingy to us with it, she would get extra affectionate. But her wine self is almost like an inauthentic affection feeling .. Then when I moved out with my dad, I left her, so she didn’t abandon me? In fact she reached out to me all the time but I did not respond to her for about a complete year. After a year I ended up spending alot of time with her cause I missed her, then the time with both my parents started to sway back and forth, depending on where I felt more free. I often felt free-er with my mom, but safer with my dad.

“hatchling needs you to be gentle with her. Every one of her feelings carries a message with it. It is only after you thoroughly heard each message, that each feeling- having served its purpose- will.. no longer be there to distress you.”

I assume I will just know when this message is received. I do wonder though, are the messages sort of like realizations of the true reason hatchling is afraid, mixed with some awareness as to why it is a fear that is not helpful .. ? This is an abstract thought that, if true, I have felt before, but can’t pin my finger on what scenario exactly I have felt this before.

Always with Love

Seaturtle & hatchling