Dear Anita,

I will read your last message after this post, because I would like to write it while I am in the feeling of it. I am feeling very down this morning, but I am having a hard time pin pointing why.

Last night, opening night of my play, the actual play went great! But the night had a crazy low point for me. Typically N and I reserve Sundays for eachother to spend, but when I got the performance schedule a couple weeks ago I told N that friday night was opening night with an after party with the cast, and then I had saturday free and was busy on sunday with a matinee performance that would take up most of the day. I understand where the miscommunication happened as I did not explicitly ask to spend saturday with him, but I assumed he understood that when I gave him my schedule. Anyways, last night he met me before the play to wish me luck, he was dressed so nice and brought me flowers, I was so excited. The whole day I was so incredibly nervous, but my happy place was just laying in bed with him in the morning. He wished me luck and then said “just so you know I have to leave right after the after party for a work thing.” I was dumfounded, “are you serious? wait what do you mean you were gonna spend the night I thought?” He had no idea I thought this, even though I know I mentioned it, I know I did. I was so sad but he said he could reschedule what he had that evening and stay the night. Then he said “but I have to leave very early” I was so confused I said “what do you mean we are spending the day?” and again he had no idea and said he worked all day! I was distraught and shocked, for about 15 minutes I was trying to breathe through a complete panic attack. I am crying now writing this as I still feel it. I told him how much I looked forward to the day, how much we NEEDED it since the last weekend we were with his parents. I am still, upset that when I gave him my schedule he didn’t THINK about us or me at all and I was clearly stating I was free saturday and I said it in person at the very least once, but he just wasn’t listening? I then told him it would just mean everything to me to get that time with him saturday. He did nothing to try and reschedule anything. I know this is triggering my abandonment issues but it feels so strong even still, I had terribly anxious dreams and can’t see my screen through tears right now. I feel broken for feeling so sad about this. I feel like I can’t function in this relationship. I am writing this in the feeling and I know when I feel more centered, not sure when, but when I do I will see this is an overreaction but it feels terrible. We spoke about it again at the end of the show, before the party and he said if I can’t except that things can’t be perfect and bad things often come along with great things, then I won’t enjoy the relationship. He said I was bringing him down. I told him I knew it was an overreaction but I couldn’t stop it from happening, he consoled me and I felt good for the rest of the evening to enjoy it. But after terrible dreams then him not communicating with me this morning I just feel crushed. He said we could get lunch today and I had to text him at12:30 to ask what was going on to which he said “I ate lunch at 10am lol” (this was very triggering, why is he just brushing me off? lol? why is he acting so casual about this thing that I said so many times and showed with emotion was so important to me??)  and I said soo what does that mean, and he said “it means we’re not gonna see each other today.” I feel so intensely triggered, like he doesn’t even care. He saw how sensitive I was last night to seeing him today and that’s all he says? I just can’t believe it I literally feel like he is trying to trigger me, I don’t know if that is true but it makes me feel like he is not sensitive and empathic enough for me and I want to completely run away right now. I quite literally want to break up with him right now. He does not see me at all if he can act that casually and non-communicative over text after all that we went through last night. If he cannot love me right now by being sensitive to me at all for how affected I was last night then I don’t want to be with him he will only prevent my growth. I just feel terrible and don’t know if I can handle this relationship but that thought scares me so much and makes me just not know if I can handle anything.

I don’t even feel like I can tell him that I feel triggered and so sad by his cold texts, because he will just be annoyed that I am bringing it up again. I literally feel like he is testing me and I want to end it.

Seaturtle and hatchling