Dear Seaturtle:

(the boldface and italicized features in the quotes that follow are my addition): “Last nigh he met me before the play to wish me luck, he was dressed so nice and brought me flowers, I was so excited… He wished me luck and then said ‘just so you know I have to leave right after the after party for a work thing.‘ I was dumfounded, ‘are you serious? wait what do you mean you were gonna spend the night I thought?‘ .. he said he could reschedule what he had that evening and stay the night. Then he said ‘but I have to leave very early‘… I was distraught and shocked, for about 15 minutes I was trying to breathe through a complete panic attack… he didn’t THINK about us or me at all and I was clearly stating I was free Saturday… I had terribly anxious dreams and can’t see my screen through tears right now… I told him I knew it was an overreaction but I couldn’t stop it from happening… I just feel crushed… I feel so intensely triggered, like he doesn’t even care… I want to completely run away right now. I quite literally want to break up with him right now. He does not see me at all…  I am sorry for being dramatic… I feel like I cannot handle how he disconnects from me and don’t know if I can handle this relationship. It brings me to such low places that make me very depressed… It just feels like love is so painful“-

-On the surface, if one was to look at the surface alone, you feeling distraught, shocked, crushed, very depressed and caught in a complete panic attack, etc., all because your (overworking) boyfriend didn’t .. see/ understand that you wanted to spend Sat with him.. reads (using your words) like you being dramatic/ over-reacting.  Actually, no doubt that your reactions were overreactions to the real-life situation of the present (when you posted last).

But your emotional reactions were not about the present situation. Hatchling- for whom the past is the present, as there is no distinction between past & present.. and Everything is still happening NOW) was reacting to this situation which you shared about on Oct 11: “I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset. In fact, while I lived with him I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts and running away attempts… Every 3 months, not an exaggeration, we would have what he began to call ‘house cleaning‘ ..  The shoes by the door, dishes in the sink, backpack/ clothes downstairs, my messy bedroom, messy car“-

– Your father didn’t see you, but he saw  traces of you in his house (a dish, a backpack, etc.) and it upset him. What he did see of you (traces of you).. he didn’t want to see. He wanted to clean his house from.. you. Your emotional reactions then were the same as when you posted last, including wanting to run away: to end the relationship (with your father) by running away or by suicide.

Hatchling is still trying to end the relationship with her father. I think that this is what she is trying to tell you, that’s her message.

On June 29-30, in your first thread, you shared that for 8 months by that point, you’ve been wanting to .. run away (from your father): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months…   I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now and I don’t want to waste my time, I want to move on… and running away“.

It is not that love is so painful; it’s that living with your father is so painful, being rejected by him to that extent.. so painful. Hatchling is still living in your father’s house. She is still hurting, and she still wants to run away.

If you noticed, I did not address this post to hatchling. What do you (the adult. Seaturtle) think and feel about this post?

anita