Dear Anita,

“I feel like he was not always this way and I fear I turned him into..“- his father and mother turned him into what he is during his Formative Years aka his childhood, when he was formed. He met you after his formative years. You do not have this kind of power over him.

-This is helpful. But then I fell in love with someone who cannot help but to gaslight me? What a tragic love story, to be or not to be.

“confused about whether or not he is intentionally being controlling or gaslighting and if we just have different views that lead to this dynamic“- (1)  if he is controlling and gaslighting unintentionally but consistently, he is still controlling and gaslighting. (2) when my mother hit me (I was a child, later a teenager), her view was that I made her hit me. (“Look what you did to me“, she’d exclaim). I was confused and believed her. Did the two of us have .. two different but legitimate views about that dynamic…?

-I am so sorry this happened to you, although I know you do not need my sympathy I must give it!

-I wonder why I was drawn to someone like this, I chose to be with N for so long.

“Maybe you should not meet him for a while, maybe you should have quality psychotherapy before meeting him again..? “

I am unsure if this is necessary or not. However I don’t think it will happen. I am still under a belief that it is fixable and he will stop. I am not sure if this is an illusion or there is potential. If i confront him about feeling gaslit when he does not take my worries seriously, he may change that behavior if I tell him I will leave the relationship if it does not stop, which is what I want to do tonight.

Seaturtle