Dear Anita,

When I told you about my dad being selfish with his time and denying that he deserved to take any responsibility, you wrote “His explanation that he was under the impression that you were free only in the morning reads like something he came up with after your conformation, so to (retroactively) excuse why he didn’t keep his word to you, or why he misled you.” Your response does resonate with me, that he did come up with his explanation after, and I believe it was this “searching for what to say” expression on his face, that caused me to just let it go, because when I see that face of “searching for what to say,” to me, what is coming out of their mouth is not authentic so there is no longer a point to continue the conversation, instead I need to just accept what it is.

And yes I am glad too! That he helped me financially.

You wrote “if you regain that hope.. you may fall back in-love with him.” I agree with this wholeheartedly. It is the one hole in my confidence about ending this with him, I keep filling the hole with why we broke up and what I deserve in the future, but it feels like this hole is a bottomless pit, as I keep having to fill it! The hard part is it needs to be filled in my weakest moments, as I am about to fall asleep, when I am alone.

“Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!“- back at you again (smile, Sun 9:30 am)

-we could continue to pass this smile back and forth hahaha

“But there are women who will be okay with a superficial relationship, or women who will compromise their deeper needs.”

-Not sure if it is even productive for me to be thinking about this but I have. I predict he will more likely end up with the former, a superficial relationship. Because I think he will likely shy away from someone like me, with deeper needs, since he probably won’t trust her not to end it eventually. But that superficial relationship will leave a hole in his heart, where he will remember me and he will have to fill that hole with how I never would have been fully happy with him (in his words probably that I don’t love him for who he is, with lack of change). He would need to change for a deeper relationship to be possible, but if he was going to change he would have done it for me, I don’t see why he would change for someone else… (my fear.. but a fear I am feeling shame about right now)

“I wonder if you look like her, dark hair and eyes.. and so majestic”

I do have darker features similar to hers actually 😉

“The music is lovely. The words: “..once you told me/ If something’s missing in me/ To go and find it in you“- you wanted to find it in N, a deeper connection, one where he’d SEE you and the missing part of you… but he refused.”

-I like your analysis and agree here.

” “If I’m not here for me/ She will be there“- I don’t understand this part..? ”

-This is actually my favorite line! to me, “She” means Seaturtle. Hatchling says “If I’m not here for me, Seaturtle will be there for me” 🙂

“Look how you found me/ Searching for messages from you“- searching from messages from her, the girl you were, (the girl I was.. the boy that N was), so to become more whole, so to become high vibrational people.”

-An interesting fact is most/if not all of this artists songs were written out of the pain of a hard breakup! N found me looking for messages from him. “Look how you found me/  A broken part enough for two/ For me and you
(I love this part, “a broken heart enough for two,” I had a strong enough heart to share, until I couldn’t anymore…)

I wish I was her for good…Messages from her/ Messages to her (what it is really about and what I will always come back to and now, I hope to stay now that I am aware of her).

I watched a portion of your Christmas present, thank you 🙂 It is beautiful! It almost put me to sleep haha, I will use it when I need to wind down and maybe to go to sleep tonight! I like to pretend I am a seaturtle swimming, seeing all the beauty under there.

I missed you too Anita, I am excited to be back and continue this journey and get back to journaling here 🙂

Seaturtle