Dear Blazkowich:

You read like a caring young man who is indeed genuinely concerned for the mental well-being of your ex-girlfriend: “I am genuinely concerned for her health because I feel at this rate she will just continue to ruin her health“.

I’d like to start this reply with the Serenity Prayer (I am not religious, but the principle in the prayer is what I am getting to), it says: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Reads like her mental health is not something that you can change for the better (“I feel so helpless unable to do anything for her“), so aim to accept her mental health as it is with as much serenity as you are able, simply because you can’t make it better. On the other hand, your own mental health is something that you can change to one extent or another, so do what you can to help your own mental health.

Second (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes), “she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days… sometimes she would show a lot of love and appreciation and sometimes she asks for space but recently she was so overwhelmed that she left me. Her exact words before leaving me was that the fact that I am there caring for her is hurting her, and that she wants to be alone for a long, long while, but I am afraid she’s just hurting herself by doing this”-

– I believe that she is correct about the relationship hurting her, not because you were a bad boyfriend, but because her emotions within the relationship are too much for her, and she gets overwhelmed, sort of submerged under water because of a heavy weight on top of her, unable to breathe. So, clearly, the healthy thing for her to do at this point is to take a break, a very long break, like she said.

It doesn’t mean that because of the break, she  suddenly becomes mentally healthy; it means that having a break from the relationship is necessary for her to hopefully heal over time.

If you insist that she interacts with you, if you pressure her and/ or if you do not completely respect her wish for no contact, you will be adding more hurt to her mind and life.

“She didn’t even talk to her best friend of 8 years since 2 months and is constantly isolating herself... and one day she said she’s unable to handle the relationship, and she feels like this cold evil person who is unable to reciprocate any love, and that she loves me but is unable to express it“-

– Overwhelmed as in submerged under water, she can’t breathe, so she can’t love. But on top of that, she is weighed down by the guilt of not being able to love, or to express love. This is why she isolates herself, so to get a relief from the guilt and from how awkward it feels to be emotionally handicapped in this way.

“She was also offended over the fact that I advised her to visit a therapist. I contacted her friends and they told me how she got drunk, danced around, ran like a maniac and cried her heart out calling her pet cat’s name who passed away and then puked all over”-

– You did what you could: you advised her to seek a therapist and you contacted her friends. Do you think that there is yet something else for you to do for the purpose of helping her?

anita