Dear Stacy:

“I’ve been stressed with work and trying to keep up with my new responsibilities there, I apologize for my absence here”- no reason to apologize: being here on your thread is not one of your responsibilities. You can be here when it suits you and only when it suits you. And you are always welcome here.

“Yes, we’ve discussed this at the beginning of my thread because you mentioned that my ex and I both have inner toxic shame in common. That the theme of his life seems to be shame, as does mine. Your explanation about toxic shame makes sense to me. I can see how much I’m beating myself up about this all…  it’s what I do in every area of my life. Hence why I don’t trust myself. I see that it’s not serving me; it’s not productive. I can’t hate myself into loving myself“-

– I never read this last sentence written by anyone.. what an interesting way of saying things. I suppose the two things: hating yourself and beating yourself up are synonymous. Question is how to stop and change this into loving and trusting yourself.

“but I can’t get over the fact that I pushed him away so hard to the point to where he even lied to me about wanting to stay friends after the breakup”- I sense this strong need within you to condemn, prosecute and persecute yourself. No forgiveness for Stacy… no putting down that whip.

“I’ve been in No Contact with him since the last time we talked after he ghosted me back in September… and yes I’m embarrassed of myself“- here’s that shame. Shame here, shame there, shame everywhere within the self.

“I think I don’t see the red flags you can see in him as clearly because for him to not have a clear aim in career in life, living at home still, or to be playing video games doesn’t sound so bad to me… ultimately, all of these typically undesirable traits in him didn’t bother me about him because of our connection“-it was  an emotional connection of the kind that is rare in your life, maybe a first. Maybe it is that with him, at times, you experienced a much needed break from toxic shame.. moments of no shame. What a difference no-shame can make: a highly elevated quality of life, isn’t it?

“I would love to believe if he were a suitable partner that the night of our breakup could have gone differently. Perhaps my blowup on him could have ended in him caring too much about hurting me to leave me, and instead trying to understand me better and work through it together?… It’s always been hard to understand whether my desires for a different outcome are due to my delusional expectations or if they were perfectly reasonable with someone ready for that level of commitment”-

– (1) It seems clear to me that he was not a suitable partner for you, but I understand now, more than before, that the nature of your emotional connection to  him was, at times, exhilarating, unique and very intense. You experienced with him a kind of acceptance and approval that you didn’t experience before him. But notice that you were far from being, always or even often content and exhilarated within the relationship. You were often worried and concerned, just as you were at the time of the blowup.

(2) Considering the intensity and longevity of your toxic shame, I don’t think that there was anything he could have done to make your shame go away, even if he was able and willing to work it through with you. Shame would be just around the corner and there’d be something new to worry about… My eyes just drifted to the title of your thread. Would it be appropriate to title your thread.. Extremely painful toxic shame and confusion?

anita