Dear Seaturtle:

“This is so confusing since he also encouraged me..“-it’d be easy to figure out if a person is for you or against you if a person always behaved one way or the other. I think that the evil stepmother in the story of Cinderella always behaved against Cinderella, but then she’s a cartoon character in a story that is of the fiction genre.

A real-life infamous evil character comes to mind, Adolf Hitler, who caused massive pain and death to many millions of people, including the death of 6 million Jews, placing him in the category of behaving against Jews, right? Yet, he arranged for a family of Jews, neighbors of his, to escape being taken away to a concentration camp.

How about a real-life famous good character, a saint, a Mother Teresa? Research it and here it is: “The Dark Side of mother Teresa“.

From my experience and understanding, a good person is a person whose behavior is guided not by the desire to please and satisfy a particular individual, but by values that promote everyone’s well-being. In the Hitler example, if he was a good person, he would have not sent any person to a concentration camp, not just his neighbors.

EVERYONE by the time we reach adolescence, got mixed in with evil to one extent or another, be it indirectly by purchasing an item in the supermarket, and by doing so, promoting the financial success of a company that pollutes the environment and therefore causes disease and death to plants, animals and people. We can’t live in a modern society anywhere on earth, and NOT contribute to death and destruction in one way or another: modern society is embedded in wrongdoing, and living in it makes us all wrongdoers.

It is painful for me to look within right now and think of all the ways I directly hurt other people, including here on the forums via judgmental, angry replies based on my issues, replies that people did not deserve. It makes me feel that painful shame-guilt combo. I struggled and was stuck in that combo for a long, long time until I figured, quite recently, that being a good person (who is born into a society that acts against itself), is about doing the best I can in the circumstances I am in, intent on doing good for everyone, and looking within, correct my wrongdoings best I can, for the benefit of everyone.

If you had N as your life partner and tried to benefit him by accommodating his preferences to not look within himself, it wouldn’t benefit everyone, including N.

To summarize what may be a digressing here, seeing via the 3rd eye, processing information with the crown chakra, the confusion you mentioned in the quote above can get resolved.

“So, why was N in pain?“- started in his childhood. Personally, I don’t know anyone who is not in pain. After all, we are embedded in a society that acts against itself.

“Was his pain all from his past, or were there things I did to hurt him…?“- what you did that hurt him  was to.. expect more than he could give you and express that expectation to him.

“I do not like small talk“- neither do I. We have this in common (see my above talk.. not small at all, is it).

“To get back with him permanently, he would have to be the opposite of who he is“- the tiniest chance of being with someone who is opposite to who he is, is being with him.

“.. and change who he is for me to feel like he could love me correctly with 0% intimidation and 100% adoration“- unrealistic expectations, not going to happen long-term with any man (past maybe a love bombing exhibition).

I feel like going a full circle here and back to our initial conversations of projecting F into N. Not that N is the right guy for you, but no man will be right for you when you hold on to the expectation you stated in this quote.

anita