Thank you Roberta and Anita. I appreciate that there IS somewhere to go as it just seems things continue to snowball. I dont know what im doing wrong i just know that i feel very alone. I feel the need to explain why i feel so awful, as it may seem nothing to some people, just one or two things. But when you layer them on top of each other it suddenly may seem like, yes. There may be something wrong in the universe..or at least, i need help.

I know i need a councillor to speak to, somewhere to go and talk about all these difficulties. But im still scared to pick the wrong one and to be stuck despairing in that. Up till now im just strong on the outside and fighting constantly a losing battle inside. Sometimes i feel so bad i have suicidal thoughts..its only thoughts i know, i just really know how to make myself feel shit.

The main issue right now is the feeling of panic, anxiety and fear. Im feeling so overwhelmed by feelings and negativity that i panic myself. When i talk to others im aware of how negative it all sounds but im scared, there is no one else for me to turn to when i get home. Im scared for my future…there is no real pension to speak of from the work i did, i relied on just being able to keep going…my plan was to buy property to rent out but i cant get to that point, i dont make enough. I own my own apartment..i can sell it but then id quickly run though the money. I can only find brick walls and problems..my friends try to help but they know i have to figure something out myself.

I just got into an argument with my mom, who called me to see how im doing. Whenever i am super vunerable, feeling mad at the world and upset like this..my mother has no words of support for me.. She will in fact find ways to tell me off and make me feel worse. There are times when you just want someone to hear you out, for them to tell you something that will calm you..to listen to you. She invariably talks about someone who has everything going well or some really small problem that SHE has and my mom is really well taken care of. In this case she said how my sibling is looking for a property to buy and i wasnt helping her (my sister just recently bought an expensive property last year) they are doing amazingly well because where they live the income is relatively good (in USA), he works and my sister raises her child and supports business but generally has a lot of free time. She wants to buy something near us and i want to be happy for her but she has had so much good fortune its sometimes too much to hear. It feels like my mom wanted to thrust that in my face again.

My sister saw a house she wanted me to go see it for her. At one time my sister lived alone in a trailer and did garden work…but she really landed on her feet, met a real committed guy, had a kid, built a tiny house and just recently bought their own place…she also managed to get all this before she got too old to do it…the partner has achieved most of this for her, so essentially she has become like mom. you know what i mean by the luck? Its bittersweet because i do care for them and want them to do well but it hurts sometimes that i never have any good news of my own. I dont tell my sister about all my failed attempts to meet a guy..she would just feel bad, theres nothing you can say. Its just bad fortune i ended up in a place where meeting a decent person would be near impossible and bad fortune that we make so little money here. She is always upbeat about my options but i know she knows its hard for me and that i am alone. Or rather, alone and dealing with our narcissistic mother, she feels similarly about it but made the right choice, when she visits its a party and my parents do everything to make them welcome, even used to always buy their plane tickets. In the past my sister always fell out with mum but now has found the perfect balance and i guess that has a lot to do with having a partner to share difficulties with. And of course, producing the grandchild which i now cant do.

Im trying not to panic but its hard not to.

the work i am most experienced in is currently oversaturated with new competitition, soaring prices going up and taxes on living, richer and richer people moving in who can afford it as well as new immigrants who will fill the roles in offices.. The pay is awful in other jobs..i just applied to a place i thought i could do part time..they want to pay equivalent to what you imagine a highschool student could get and wont offer many hours…so i have to turn it down.

I wanted for the longest time to start a shop but i cant afford the rent, and would need to spend a lot of money to start..i thought of doing some shop online but i feel overwhelmed. Ideally i would have done something with a friend but other people have their own thing going, there is no one who is up for that (unless i fund it all!).

I thought of writing jobs, vlogging, blogging, doing content work. I know you can do that and i have in the past, a long time ago now…but theres competition from other countries that charge even less for their highly qualified work…i have to do something that does not rely on being paid by someone else..im too old to start at the bottom.

I dont know how to stop spiraling in negativity…i get exhausted trying to do one thing and getting angry when it doesnt bring an answer or progress…i get so tired then stop, listen to music or take my dog out. In the evening i need about half a bottle of wine to feel ok. I know i have to stop but at the moment im trying to be kinder to myself.

I think what is truly exhausting is when you ARE trying your hardest…and its just NOT WORKING OUT. And then you see someone else, who may or may not have your same situation, and things just pop up for them…like fortune cookies, and they are suddenly ok again. This is why i get to the point where i think, something in the universe is deadset again me having anything…..i feel like ive been beaten up mentally. I feel starved of help and fortune.

Another example of it is that a random guy shouted at me today when i was walking my dog.. i was on some rough land i go to 3x a day for the past years with no problem and there we dont need to pick up the poop, only of course if it was in the path but i would if it was in more public and pedestrian areas…he yelled at me to pick up after my dog and was extremely aggressive in his attitude..i talked back to him and told him to mind his own business but it upset me of course….im in my own neighbourhood and he is a visitor.

Afterwards i was reviewing the encounter..just before i levelled up to pass him, the guy was just standing around smoking and spit on the ground…some of the more basic local men do this but not really visitors and its considered rude in any shape…but as we came level my dog suddenly decided she needed to poop…in the verge but opposite his van, it wasnt intended but of  its still in the verge. So he obviously took offense and the position that, he had just arrived, so now WE were in his backyard! I reckon, i just have that face people think they can be rude to..and let out their anger..because for certain he would not have said it to an old lady from the area, or a big guy, or a group of people right?