Dear Anita,

Deciding to respond further because I want to face this head on to understand myself as best I can.

 “I gave you the wrong answer. I was confused because I didn’t process some information about you thoroughly… therefore, amending my answer to: no, I don’t see any possibility that N and you end up back together in a healthy relationship.”

I am just wondering what this information that you re-processed about me and how that changes your analysis of me, I want to see myself through your eyes. You amended answer, that me and N could never be happy, is that because of what we spoke previously, his spider tendencies, or is it because you now believe I would be harmful to him? Why could we not possibly make a healthy relationship?

I read the following paragraph, and see the answer to what I just asked was that he could not have the deep vulnerable conversations we needed to have. But if we met again and he turned a leaf and wanted to enter these conversations with me, I could see it resulting in a healthy relationship, what do you think about that?

“heading for GREAT things (starting and publishing a book) is bringing me back to the topic of my confusion and yesterday’s study:”

What is the difference between trying to manifest good things for myself and be positive, versus too high of standards for my future. when I typed that I was inspired and trying to reprogram myself to truly believe my life is going up from here.

“You wanted him to get all your jokes and laugh.. otherwise, you felt lonely. You were jealous at his roommate, as I understand it, wanting to be the only beneficiary of N’s resources. N took it all because he was “easy going” (made possible by his daily,  heavy weed use), accommodating your cravings to be treated Special, best he could, allowing you to determine where and how you spent your date nights, taking you to fancy dinners, etc. His easy-goingness and efforts to accommodate you may be the reasons why the relationship lasted so much longer than the previous 3-months limit per relationship.”

It is hard for me to believe that my feeling of loneliness was triggered so easily. It is not that he did not get some, but the majority of my little comments he did not react to. Growing up my dad used to tell me I thought backwards, he now says the same to my youngest sister. Her and I are different than most people I have met, we don’t always get simple instructions…if something is not written exactly how I am suppose to do it I often have lots of questions that the person who wrote the instructions thought should be intuitive or didn’t need to be explained. But then again, my mind works in the opposite direction as well where I put things together that others don’t, things that do make sense in my head but not to everyone else. My sister and I are both this way, in school we feel stupid but in conversation about the world or more abstract things our way of thinking is unique, I am not trying to say I am so different than others and so special, in fact my dad reminded me quite often I was not. My point is that N did not understand how I saw the world, and as much as I tried to understand how he saw the world, he did not give me the same time of day. I felt ignored quite often, I would make a comment and he literally would just not even react, and sometimes is ok but it was so often I started to literally ask if he could hear me, and he could but his mind was other places.

“(1)  this is a very positive self-image/ confidence on your part, knowing that you are adorable and sexy. (2) you demanded his adoration and when he didn’t deliver it to your satisfaction, you were devasted, it was so very, very hard for you, you felt so very lonely.”

The funny thing is is don’t know if I am confident, there are days I am definitely not, then others I feel it more. I required so little of him in this way, I can recall two times in three years he said I was pretty. I tried so hard to not need more than that, and to just give it to myself, which bled out into my words as claiming I am “adorable” and “sexy.” When he didn’t deliver, yes, I was sad. But I actively practiced giving myself the compliments I needed and telling myself he didn’t owe them to me. But after so many times going out of my way to try and be pretty for him, and him not saying anything it does get to me, I wondered if I was his type or if he thought I was uniquely beautiful in any way.

“You were jealous at his roommate, as I understand it, wanting to be the only beneficiary of N’s resources.” … “you wanted to be N’s one and only person.”

This is an interesting one, I was jealous of his roommate. I was jealous that when he walked into the home while N and I were relaxing together that N’s who demeanor shifted. We went from a calm moment together to him yelling across the room about money and work and this bothered me very much. If the roommate came in and sat with us and could join a conversation with all three of us then I would have been okay with that, I know that because N has another friend, D, who I really liked and did not mind him in our space at all, he acknowledged me as a person. N’s roommate called girls gross names, talked about his sex life all the time and was very vulgar, so in general I didn’t really like him as a person. He was in the rat race, the young to middle aged men racing to the dollar bills, and I could feel that energy when he entered a room and it exhausted me. I was jealous when I would be laying in N’s bed waiting for him and he would talk all night with his roommate, yes I was jealous of that. But in my defense I tried my best to get over it, I would fall asleep cuddling my stuffed animal pretending it was hatch, and just remind her and myself it was ok.

“By 22 (before getting together with N), you had no long-term relationship experience, only 5 relationships that lasted about 3 months each.”

You are the fourth person to bring this up to me in the past week. My two friends, and mom all have brought up at one point not to beat myself up that N was my first long relationship. But all that sounds like to me is that I have more trial and error to go and that is so depressing to me. Is it too much to ask for that I find a man that wants to make me feel safe to give them my heart? N dropped my heart all over the place, being late, denying his own words and ignoring both his and my feelings.

“Re-reading your complaints about N in your 2 original posts, it’s clear that you required and demanded of him complete and ever present adoration, and when you didn’t get it, you were devastated.”

When you said I “required and demanded of him complete and ever present adoration” I am not sure how to feel about this. When I first read it I wanted to deny that I was this way, because the phrasing sounds extreme. I don’t feel my desire for my partner to admire me is as toxic as you make it sound. On one hand this makes it sound like a negative that I require my partner to adore me. When I see successful relationships that have gone the distance, a common factor is that the man adores the woman for who she is, and the woman is in awe of her man in some way as well, but both are in adoration and awe of the others best self, therefore encouraging it as well. I still don’t believe N saw me, and if he didn’t see me he had nothing to adore.

Mayo clinic: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism. A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them. Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy….  it often begins in the teens or early adulthood..

“Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can: * Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration. * Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment. *Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements. * Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. * Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. * Believe they are superior to others..”.

What do you think, and how do you feel about this?

–“narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve.”  So when my roommate cried on her birthday because her boyfriend was in a bad mood all day and didn’t treat the day as special… this was narcissistic? I ask this not to accuse my roommate of anything but because I related and the same has happened to me.

-“People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.” I feel like I care too much if anything, about the feelings of others.

–“They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling” so what is the difference between actually being in an unfulfilled relationship where someone is treating you wrongly, and you just being narcissistic for believing you deserve better?

– “Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy” no cure. What I hear is that if you are this way then you just are and you don’t deserve what you think you do, you’re delusional.

-“Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.” I downplay my own achievements as it is.

“What do you think, and how do you feel about this?”

I wrote most of what I think.

I feel overwhelmed. It doesn’t resonate with me that I don’t deserve more than what N was able to be for me, and I do believe my future partner will adore me, being told he may not honestly makes me question everything I ever thought about love. I feel confused, do I not know who I am at all? This whole time, since the breakup I have been trying to remind myself I did the right thing and that I deserved more than how he was treating me, and not to be told I don’t deserve anything and thinking I deserve more is being narcissistic, I just feel lost.