Dear Seaturtle:

“As the week went on I asked myself why I really texted him and concluded that there was a wishful part of me that wanted him to have considered what he did wrong and be a new communicative person that wanted to speak…“- as the week went on you became aware of a part of your motivation a few days before. Retroactive awareness. It makes sense to me that you were wishful, of course.

“I knew there was a 99% chance he would not want to talk, but I wanted to give him a window without pressure… when he said ‘words can’t describe..’ …I knew I wasn’t going to hear anymore elaboration, that was it, he could not describe it. Just as in our relationship, he does not have the words or capacity to express himself beyond that sentence, that short sentence“- like you said right here, he doesn’t have the ability to express his feelings in words any more than he did.

“This was the pattern of our conversations, me trying to get him to express and him lacking the ability to volunteer information on how he felt, I have run out of ways to get him to express himself…’words can’t describe’ that was the only answer I was gonna get“- he wasn’t able to give you more, and you weren’t able to stop wanting more.

“My apology was certainly heart felt, his sentence of how he felt made me feel bad… I hurt a friend and I do feel badly about that“- empathy for N.

“He asked me to leave him alone so for him, I removed emotion and stated factually what I needed, that is since he did not desire to talk“- I understand.

“he didn’t see a need to fight for our love because he thought it was all fine and dandy, which also hurts me because he really just did not regard the things I said to him“- he wasn’t able to regard the things you told him in the ways you wanted him to. He fought for your love in the ways he was able.

“I have wondered if I have a personality disorder before…I wonder, are people with those disorders capable of being authentic?“- I like the quote I sent you earlier on Narcissism (Wikipedia), we’re all on the spectrum/ continuum of each and every personality disorder, even when we don’t fit a diagnosis.

During all the years that I fit the BPD diagnosis, I very much cared about being authentic, I very much wanted to be authentic, it was very, very important to me. But I was too afraid to be authentic around others most of the time because my so effectively shamed my authenticity. I was so out of practice,  didn’t even know how. I wasn’t able.

“It is true, I have an overcompensating impulse to be seen by others and recognized as an individual. I was so unseen growing up, by my dad, but then also in high school. During early high school, or even middle school I don’t remember having this intense desire to be seen for my individuality, it developed and became more intense later in high school, my soccer team literally ignored me in high school… The bullying had a huge impact“-  yes, I remember you sharing about it. It is very painful for a teenager to be ignored by peers, it is quite traumatic.

“I just thought they didn’t like who I was, so I made an attempt to be as small as possible. Stopped talking, since I’d only be ignored, stopped asking for the ball, stopped basically playing soccer (my first love) and overall just wanted to be like everyone else and didn’t want to be myself, since that clearly was not accepted… Then I went to Argentina… they…  spoke to me like I was stupid and also ignored my requests, saying to go with the flow… I was just told what to do and out of my obedient character I just did what I was told not matter how uncomfortable it made me. Unseen.”-

– The book you mentioned recently that you want to write, must be titled USEEN.

“I had nightmares that shadows pinned me to the ground and covered my mouth, taking every possible way to express myself away from me. It was those last 4 weeks of the trip (5 months total) that I literally felt like there must be a God or else I was completely alone, so I talked to the sky… and when I spoke to the sky I suddenly felt hugged, I felt this overwhelming sense of light, comfort and a soundless voice in my head said ‘It will be ok, I am not alone.‘”- Powerful!

Unseen and Alone are synonymous.

“All this to say, yes, my craving to be seen is very intense, and I know it is an over compensation, and potency of the craving changes/fluctuates. But In my relationship with N…  I feel like his lack of seeing me, in a strange way, was attractive to me because of how comforting it was, felt like home“- N awakened your desire to be seen, the desire you had at home with F, and at school, middle and high school.. and in Argentina.

“I had to decide for myself what was ridiculous and what wasn’t. The toilet seat bothered me when I would fall into the toilet at night, and even after I told him that happened he didn’t seem to put much effort there… I really tried my best to stay aware of the difference between too high of expectations, and reasonable standards“- reads like you did.

“I am not saying this is not true but I don’t recall feeling that way, at home. Also that feeling of estrangement doesn’t happen with my other friends, currently I am not able to associate this disconnect with anyone else but N…  with him he just blank stared me“- it is amazing to me how much work it takes to SEE certain other people, like me trying to see you. So much time.. 31 pages and I am seeing something new today (actually, this particular seeing occurred to me a day or two ago, as in a passing thought), that it is N, in his stark Unseeing of you, who triggered your overcompensating, narcissistic like reaction.

“As I came to you here in September, I thought it was all my fault and I was making incorrect correlations, but clearly he was being passive aggressive, so many times I told myself ‘no, he was probably joking, and I am making assumptions of him not caring about me when it is not true,’  just as a victim of gaslighting says to herself. I am open to being wrong about this assessment”– and I am open to having been wrong in some of my assessments of you. And of him.

“But it is just how I feel, and evidence is that I stayed with him that whole last year trying to make myself see that he cared, when I just don’t think he actually cared that much and instead knew how to act like he did“- I think, at this point (and I may be wrong), that he cared for you as much as he was ABLE to care for you. I feel empathy for you for needing what you needed from N, and empathy for him for not being able to deliver.

“I would not want someone to do everything I wanted, that would be such a fake relationship, I witnessed my grandma doing this for my mom and I thought it was gross. I did not/ and do not want to be this way so badly that I don’t think it happened without me knowing it, and if it did I know less about myself then I thought I did“- no, it’s me who knew less about you than I thought I did. Sincerely, it takes so much work, and humility, and persistence, and putting aside my persona biases, experiences, etc., to get to know a person as .. complex as you.

“But I don’t want the love I received as a child, my mom’s over coddling makes me uncomfortable and my dad’s lack of it also makes me uncomfortable.  I am alone in a dark room, and something I learned through speaking with you is it is Seaturtle’s job to turn on that light so hatch can see herself. I associate light with seeing that I am an authentic person, a strong and witty/creative person (as my dad said I wasn’t), seen by myself and hopefully by my one life partner, the one person in the world that admires me for me. I just feel like N did not see me very deeply, he saw a square and fell in love with the square“- I agree and I admire you for having these words, these motivations! And again, what I am in touch with this evening, is how difficult it is, has been for me,  to SEE you as you are. It’s mostly the personal biases, the personal childhood experiences that create one’s vision of another.

“He missed a whole side but he was ok with that and I wasn’t. I just believe my real lifetime partner will see those things, I don’t want them to do everything I want. In fact, if someone sees who I am, I would likely stay with them through them doing many things I don’t like, because of how hard it was to find a man who saw me. Leave the toilet seat up every day, and be late as long a… you do see me“- a real lifetime partner is possible for you to find and have a lifetime with. Give him time though.. the task of seeing a complex, fascinating person like you is not easy, says I.

“Yes exactly. I am sure some of my expectations were unrealistic, but I was open to being told that“- most people would have disappeared from their forum after told certain things, after told certain things that were the wrong understandings, but you are back here, remarkable, I am humbled.

“Exactly, I feel this way. When I texted him, part of me wanted to hear from someone who was willing to do this, but that was wishful thinking. I would be. I have had the song “I wanna know what love iss…”; haha“- love takes a lot of work when it comes to a complex person such as you, a Seaturtle with an open third eye and an active crown chakra. It takes me opening mine and activating my crown chakra to understand.

it is now 7:36 pm my time, 8:36 pm your time. Good night Seaturtle, and (haha… ) add distilled water to your tears, so that your sea turtle’s tears don’t irritate your human eyes. In case you cry or laugh too hard.

anita