Dear Anita,

I am on my lunch break and wanted to respond, to my journal entry yesterday, from my phone so I apologize for any formatting errors.

Your summary is correct.

You wrote: “Looking (again) at the title of your thread, looks like gut is synonymous to your confident, in-motion state of mind, and fear is synonymous with your off/ stagnant state of mind. The guts is fine with not having N in your life, fear wants him back”

I hope this is true because I hope any feelings for wanting N back, or feelings of regret are wrong because I don’t want to regret it. I think part of that regret can happen when I realize things in the relationship I could have done better, which inevitably make me wonder if that would have made a difference. But I try to allow myself to conclude that I did my best in that time.

Last night I had very vivid dreams and although I woke up missing N intensely, the dreams clarified to me what I was missing. In my dream it didn’t involve any brain stimulation (crown chakra) it didn’t involve any intimacy (heart chakra) the dream was 90% some sort of extreme sacral craving I seemed to be chasing. It was only pleasure that I was seeking. This morning in a limited time I had online I tried to seek ways to align my sacral chakra in a healthy way that doesn’t involve other people because I don’t think I am ready for that. Or maybe that would change if it was a good person but I’ve yet to meet anyone I’d even desire that type of connection with. The dream brought me some clarity that perhaps working out intensely is an outlet for those sacral chakra desires. Also how stark it must be to my body and mentality that I was in a relationship for 2 years of consistent physical intimacy, always available. I think it is the stark difference, more so than the amount of time it has been since physical intimacy because I have gone years without it in my adult life and have not had dreams like I had last night that I woke up feeling like it actually happened. I have only had a handful of dreams that I recall years later, and that dream was so vivid and creative that it will be added to that small list.

I am wondering your thoughts on what it can do to you mentally and physically to get used to physical intimacy, instant gratification to the sacral chakra, to suddenly none. It makes sense it’s some sort of withdrawal symptom but I want to discover why so that I can find another outlet that is not intense workouts for the next few weeks. I am also curious if you have any insight on dreams and what makes vivid dreams that make you feel things. Even the other night in my dreams a tiger bit me and I could feel it to an extent.

Seaturtle