Dear Anita,

Indeed, you are right!

I think that your anxiety is about you feeling not grown up, at 30 (“Growing up- becoming adult” is in the title of this Feb 2024 thread), not like an adult, but like a boy, alone in a new country. Children are afraid to be all alone by themselves; they are afraid that they can’t take care of themselves, as in “to get a job, get things sorted“. They need .. a grown up to get a job and sort things for them.

Part of you will need to be the grown up that the other part of you needs. Robi the adult has a scared, anxious child with him all the time, a child that needs care.

I feel this description is very accurate. Thank you 🙂

I wanted to write back here but yesterday I started the teaching job, only 3 hours on Monday and 3 hours on Wednesday for now – but still, It was a big challenge for me. Saturday and Sunday I felt quite anxious.. I would very often start crying. On Sunday I cried for a long, long time, talked to my girlfriend and went to sleep early.  It did help a lot, I think crying helped me a lot – I guess I’ve been bottling up a lot in the last months – a lot has happened. So on Monday I woke up a lot more relaxed, almost ”careless”. Although I was going to have an interview, I didn’t feel than anxious about it.. I felt quite relaxed. I felt as if something has lifted off my chest the day before. Maybe I needed to cry.. Maybe also talking to my girlfriend helped, but I feel ashamed to talk to her when I’m in a very low mood.. especially if I feel like crying. I don’t know.. maybe it’s the way we’ve been told masculinity is supposed to be like – you are not supposed to cry in front of your girlfriend, you have to be strong and stable. Well – I do it sometimes.. we both do.. we both cry when things get tough. I don’t mind her being vulnerable and I guess she doesn’t mind me being vulnerable either. We are both very sensitive human beings 🙂

Today, after yesterdays classes I feel okay.. I am a bit anxious and I feel a little like crying still.. I feel like I’m missing something. I do miss my girlfriend and I miss being with her, all though I didn’t like being in Poland. Also, I would have to learn how to structure my classes properly – which is something I don’t know how to do at all. The head teacher seems to trust me a lot giving me responsibilities I have no idea about so I feel like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing. It’s quite hard.. I’ll have to learn on the go. But I want to try my best, maybe I can make it work. I don’t feel like teaching english is necessarily my kind of job.. but then again.. nothing seems to be. I think if I managed to plan my lessons well and follow the books, I might be able to do it, and it’s quite a flexible job so it might work for now, for my growth. I feel now, less anxious than before.. I feel like I can do it but I have to make sure I don’t procrastinate and put in the effort needed to plan my lessons. I think, If I do that, things might work quite well.  I have the habit of walking in the classroom with no plan at all ( because I procrastinate ), then panic because I have no plan at all and don’t know what to do. I end up improvising, doing all kinds of activities with no clear aim, avoiding teaching grammar and mostly making conversation. This is not only unprofessional but it’s also a major source of stress. I gotta work on this.

Today and tomorrow I want to focus on planning my Wednesday classes – this time I hope I’ll have the structure and make everything work better. I will have to learn on the go, but I think It’s the right thing to do right now.

As for the anxiety, I don’t know what to do. I’d like to deal with it and heal that wounded child in me. But what if I cry.. for a little bit, whenever I feel like it? Isn’t that a way of releasing some of the stress?

Have a good day Anita, take good care! 🙂

Robi