Dear Seaturtle:

I read just a bit of your 1st and 2nd post, and I want to reply to the 2nd first because of what you wrote in its beginning.

“I don’t want our conversations to go in a circle, a circle around N. I want to let that relationship pass, although I know it will be relevant to my understanding of myself, so N will not completely disappear“- yes, let’s discuss N only in the context of you understanding yourself more, and not in the context of answering the question you posted back in  July last year: “is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man?“-

– because as far as this question goes, the ship has sailed in regard to this question, as far as I am concerned. If you are still asking this question for 14-16 months so far (“I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months“, July 2023), it may be your obsession. And an obsession cannot get satisfied with logic. I don’t want to fuel this obsession, if that’s what it is.

The reason this ship has sailed for me in regard to this question, is that given these 2 things alone (and there are  more things), it a good thing for you that the relationship is over: (1) his heavy-duty, daily use of weed ever since he was a teenager and the brain damage involved,  (2) his inclination for risky behavior with his nephew (a child): you can say No to him when he suggests risky behaviors involving you, but if you were to have a child with him, a child won’t say no to his father.

“I want to remove this thorn of being unseen, so that I don’t feel that way anymore no matter what happens around me. I also want to discover other thorns I have so that I don’t try to control my world into allowing me to keep them. What do you think about all this?“- I am all for you removing the thorn of being unseen, and discovering other thorns.

“It (the spider web of contempt) would definitely be a low vibrational space to enter and I would feel this trying to pull me down, aware or not, very sticky“- I do not recommend (lol) volunteering to get stuck in anyone’s web of contempt. I grew up stuck in a web of contempt (my mother’s)- NOT FUN!

“I want to change my perspective on what a lifetime partner will look like… I desire someone who can look within… to express their perspective… (to) not afraid to be their genuine self with me.. honest conversation” – a totally fair expectation!

“I recognized (F’s) stress in meal prepping, so I meal prepped for him and instead of feeling my love, he just acted like I owed that to him. Discouraging me from trying to do it again. The housecleaning was then all the things he deserved that I did not do“- projecting into you, I am guessing, his parents who didn’t give him what he needed, emotionally. When you meal prepped for him, it wasn’t enough for him because he didn’t get what he needed back when he was a child.

“His emotional numbness was there from the beginning but I couldn’t see it, it took feeling it after two years for me to see it. I can only imagine the greatness in a future relationship with a partner who can share emotions with me. F and N both told me that was too much to ask“- too much to ask from them.

“It is like reading a dense book, and every time you re-read it you understand more, and recall things that stuck with you. Calling it ‘chronically numb’ feels more satisfying to me because it sounds more unacceptable than Teflon Mind. Chronically Numb is more of what it felt like to me, ‘chronic,’ he is not changing, a part of what Teflon Mind doesn’t quite capture for me“- chronic it is then!

“I am on a new journey to let go, and cleanse my psyche of him“- I am here for this journey of yours!

“The vision wasn’t grapes, it was like a tiny little plant popping out of the earth that I was about to tear out of the ground before it could grow into… something that I thought could be fruitful. It is possible it was a second chance to F.. very possible.“- I think that F recognized that N is similar to himself, and this why F- who discouraged you from having boyfriends previously- encouraged your relationship with N. Andin regard to the tiny little plant popping out of the earth, it is you, Seaturtle, popping out and growing big time!

anita