Dear Anita,
<p class=”p1″>“And an obsession cannot get satisfied with logic. I don’t want to fuel this obsession, if that’s what it is.”</p>

• I hope I haven’t crossed into obsession. I am aiming towards the direction of not entertaining thoughts of him, and although I’ve made a lot of progress I think I can give myself grace as to those thoughts still surfacing. I will do my best to keep mindful of these thoughts and not partake and know it will slowly vanish. I’ve experienced losing a love before and I remember the pain but I also remember that it did pass/fade and I trust this will too in its right timing. But I can “discuss N only in the context of you understanding yourself more.”

• I want to acknowledge your message about the two reasons the ship has sailed for you. I agree

<p class=”p1″>“- I do not recommend (lol) volunteering to get stuck in anyone’s web of contempt. I grew up stuck in a web of contempt (my mother’s)- NOT FUN!”</p>

• Did you ever fall into a relationship with a person who showed you the same contempt as your mother?

<p class=”p1″>“- I am here for this journey of yours”</p>

• I am happy to read this 🙂

<p class=”p1″>“- I think that F recognized that N is similar to himself, and this why F- who discouraged you from having boyfriends previously- encouraged your relationship with N. Andin regard to the tiny little plant popping out of the earth, it is you, Seaturtle, popping out and growing big time!”</p>

• I hadn’t thought of F being aware of their similarity but now that I recall some conversations I can see that is true.
• Dear Retroactive awareness, I am excited for you to become “active”
• So my dad may not approve of a partner for me that he doesn’t understand? It may be a fantasy but I feel my dad will support someone I choose, proof of that is actually a relationship I had at 18 with a guy opposite to my dad in many ways and was 24. I recognize the age gap now but at 18 it didn’t feel far. Anyways my dad agreed to spend time with him alone when he wanted to get to know my dad, and once I turned 18 my dads restrictions suddenly stopped. He suddenly no longer cared where I was or how long I was gone. That is unless it was too my mothers home for what felt like too long to him.  Now that I recall, He would accuse me of using him quite often. If I spent too long at my moms he said he felt like he was just a bank to me… and there is a similarity here with N too. When it happened with two people, I started to wonder if it was me, leading to the “am I a narcissist”aka “is it me and I’m blind and don’t know how to love” question.

Seaturtle