Dear Anita,

Damn I got a lot busier! I guess it’s a good thing, quite necessary I’d say. Last week I worked 8 hours teaching english but I felt like I was working 2 shifts 🙂 I’m experiencing a lot of impostor syndrome and insecurities which such up a lot of my energy so I often end up being emotionally tired. Also, the fact that I don’t quite know how to teach and follow books etc. doesn’t help. I keep feeling like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing. I guess I should be good at that – I’ve been doing it all my life in many ways and circumstances. I guess I would’ve done anything not to be seen as unexperienced insecure or vulnerable ( at least in the past ) but I guess in the last years I’ve learned to be more accepting of myself.

Yesterday I’ve been teaching for 5 hours in a row… 2 hours online, and 3 in class. I almost gave up on doing the online ones – I find it a lot harder, it’s a lot harder to follow the book and the digital book I have and could share with them doesn’t quite work for me.. Teaching online makes it even more difficult but in the end I didn’t give up – I need the money and I need to be financially independent as soon as I can. So, let’s see. I’ve had days when I felt like this is too much and wanted to apply for another job, in a beach bar. I’ll try to stick to this and see where it takes me although I must admit I don’t think I like teaching English… I just want those hours to end. Last week I’ve had 8 hours and this week I think I’ll have around 14. Today I have a new group and I’ll be teaching them for 2 hours – today I have some more time to relax ( soon I’m going for a workout on the beach ).

The one thing I’m really excited about is the arrival of my girlfriend on Thursday. She’ll be here for 10 days! I’m very happy about that.. I feel quite lonely since I came back here. I haven’t even seen many of my friends or gone out drinking with them, the way I used to do in the past when I used to live here. This time I seem to have a different mindset – this time I’m more focused on my growth and my financial stability. But I’m glad I didn’t escape anything and I sat down with my anxiety and kept my eyes on the prize. I seem to have grown a lot closer to my girlfriend, as if she’s both my best friend and partner. It all feels like home – in a really good way.

So let’s see, how everything develops. I also want to look for more hours in other schools, but these days I’ve been quite tired. I’ve only been here for about 10 days but I feel like I’ve been here for months.. I am slowly rooting myself in a good way and I feel I’m on a good track. I often feel afraid I’ll get fired because I most probably don’t deliver good quality work, but I’ll give it a chance and see what happens. Maybe I’m giving myself too much of a hard time, maybe I’m doing better than I think. Either way.. I was thinking yesterday morning on the beach after finishing my meditation – ” So what if I fail? Better fail than not even try ”.

I’ll just try and see 🙂

Take good care Anita, I hope you’ve had a nice weekend and all is good with you!

Thank you!

Robi