Dear Paradoxy,

Prompted by Anita’s post, I would like to address the fact that you see B’s behavior with men (sleeping with other men, sexting, walking around scantily dressed etc) as stupid, whereas it could be a result of unresolved psychological issues, as I’ve tried to explain before.

You called her (or her behavior) stupid numerous times in your posts, including when she slept with another man for money:

I do not hate her. I hate the things she did. I hate her stupidity.  … She was already aware of what was going to happen DAYS BEFORE it happened. She had time to prepare. Time to think. Time to decide. Yet she still chose wrong.

SHE IS A 22 YEAR OLD ADULT WHO SHOULD HAVE THE COMMON SENSE TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISION AND SHE CHOSE THE WRONG ONE. WHAT MAKES MATTERS WORSE IS THAT B AND THE MAN CONTINUED TALKING FOR COUPLE MORE WEEKS AND SHE EVEN ADMITTED TO DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR HIM.

I am just confused as to how this situation even happened. My only logical explanation is just plain stupidity.

Her parents did not take care of her well and so it was her aunt who actually took care of her so that would explain why she is so stupid.

I cannot even blame her for being stupid cause I know she is trying her best to do the right things. How do you even improve someone’s decision making skills? Like how do you teach someone to make better decisions?

I have tried to explain to you that women don’t prostitute themselves out of stupidity, but because of external conditioning (e.g. being taught that it is something normal and desirable) or because of lack of self-respect, i.e. some inner brokenness and trauma.

Agreeing to prostitution, without being directly coerced into it, is a sign that the person is emotionally and mentally unwell, not that they are stupid.

I’ve got to say, this notion of yours that she is stupid rather than emotionally wounded reminds me of your father’s attitude that suicidal people are idiots. He believed that you were stupid for having suicidal thoughts. Whereas you were not stupid, but you were hurting.

I believe this is similar – B is not stupid, she is hurting in some way. What she said in the following 2 sentences tells me that she might actually feel loved by the men who desire her, who view her as a sex object:

B told me that my parents and I ruined her life, that she entertained the other men and slept with the guy cause she liked the feeling of not being discriminated against.

The fact that she said that I ruined her life, that I would cheat (despite how loyal I was to her), the fact that she liked how she felt with other men unlike me, all hurt me.

She even developed feelings for the guy who was paying her for sex:

WHAT MAKES MATTERS WORSE IS THAT B AND THE MAN CONTINUED TALKING FOR COUPLE MORE WEEKS AND SHE EVEN ADMITTED TO DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR HIM.

This tells me that she confuses being loved with being sexually desired. If my assumption is correct, she didn’t go to prostitute herself because she was stupid, but (bizarre as it may sound) because she wanted to feel loved, to feel good about herself. Which she claimed she didn’t always feel with you.

Let me be clear, I am NOT condoning her behavior whatsoever. I am just saying that her sexually inappropriate behavior is not the result of stupidity, but of her own unmet emotional needs, especially the need for love.

Of course, the way she behaves with you – lying, cheating and acting out sexually – is not a loving behavior. And I understand why you can’t love her for that. But she is not doing it because she is stupid.

You have convinced yourself that she is innocent and oblivious and stupid, and that she behaves in sexually provocative ways without being aware of it:

in the case of her hugging the guy and wearing the bikini, I see pure stupidity cause the pictures she took indicate that she is oblivious to the fact that the guy friend’s friend has his arm around her back ending near the breast region while the bikini incident occurred at around 6 am where she assumed everyone would be asleep, but obviously not cause her guy friend was awake. I also noticed that the outfit that she chose to wear are extremely short, cut jeans while everyone else including the females were wearing long, more modest clothing.

I pointed out all of these things and she acknowledged that she was not thinking when she did all of this and apologized for it but idk if I should even consider her apology.

The way that she behaves just shows how stupid and oblivious she is. She doesn’t even appear to be intentionally doing it, she is just operating on literally three brain cells, so it is hard to assume that she is craving the attention, she is just an extrovert that likes to party and enjoy life etc.

She told you she wasn’t thinking, and you believed her, but the more likely explanation is that she actually liked these guys’ attention, because she herself admitted that she felt good being with men who desired her. She isn’t bothered by being sexually desired by men – on the contrary, she likes it (by her own admission).

My addition is that she might even feel loved by them, because she might be confusing love with sexual desire.

Anyway, I don’t see oblivion or stupidity in her behavior, but rather an unmet emotional need, which she is trying to meet in wrong ways. Ways that will only harm her. But that’s the nature of all addictions and all unhealthy behaviors.

That’s why I would like to suggest to you to re-evaluate your stance that she is stupid and oblivious. And start thinking of her as someone hurting inside. Someone with unmet emotional needs. Perhaps even someone like you, even though she is displaying a very different behavior than you.

This doesn’t mean you need to get back together and start tolerating her bad behavior. You should definitely not do that!

But what it means is that you need to stop trying to teach her, guide her and educate her out of her “stupidity”. Because she is not stupid, she knows all those things (you said she reads her Bible every day). And she is a medical student, so she certainly has more than 3 brain cells working!

You said you loved her and tried to help her heal (I am the only person who took on the role of helping her heal). But telling her that she is stupid, dumb, brick wall etc isn’t love and isn’t conducive to healing. Realizing that she has mental health issues and then suggesting therapy (individual therapy) would be more helpful.

And then letting her go, because her emotional wounds cause her to behave in ways that abusive and hurtful towards you. And you don’t need to endure that.

Anyway, I think a change is necessary in how you view her…