Dear Tee,

“So anyway, your mother was never too caring or empathic, quite the contrary, but now she is claiming that she was. Which is gaslighting.” The thing is that she was caring regarding the physical aspect. She noticed when I was tired, she noticed when I was sleep deprived, she saw how weak I looked from days I went without eating to focus on studying while I was in college, but she never saw my emotional and mental health deteriorating. I don’t blame her though but the audacity to say that she noticed whenever I was unwell is just pissing me off. She is not gaslighting because she did care for me regarding the physical aspect but failed in the emotional and mental aspect.

“Also, your father taught you that when you have an issue, to suck it up and be a man. So he wasn’t really welcoming vulnerability.” My father also sucks up his own problems. He has all kinds of body pains: back pain, neck pain, leg pain etc. But he never actively complained about his pain. He will still wake up at 5 am and get ready and go to work out under the hot sun until 5-8pm. So compared to that, I would sound weak and pathetic compared to how much he is enduring for the entire family. So basically, in their eyes, nothing of my issues are worth me complaining about.

“You were shaped to be that way… by your parents’ conditioning. I hope you can start seeing that?” Yes I see that but I also realized that my parents are right about me being an idiot. For example, yesterday the battery for the car ran out of charge, so I had to jumpstart the car by connecting the battery to another car battery. I got the battery and managed to jumpstart the car, and then I packed up everything, but my dumbass self turned off the car’s engine. So I had to get the equipment again and jumpstart the vehicle again. This just shows how careless I was, and I had to just stand there and take it when my father called me absent-minded and etc. So technically my parents were right about me being an idiot. So now what? Can’t really say that my parents are wrong about me now….

Paradoxy