Hi SereneWolf,

Yup it’s not that awesomely beautiful statue. But that man helped the India how it is now otherwise it would like Europe now. So many countries. Sardar Patel made all the small and medium size to big states sign the treaty to join India. That’s why it’s called statue of Unity.

I see. I’ve looked him up – he was a prominent figure in the Indian independence movement, together with Mahatma Gandhi. He organized non-violent civil disobedience movement in his home sate of Gujarat against the British rule. And later he was instrumental in uniting the various princely states to join the independent India. Cool!

I am glad you had a good time in Gujarat but are now moving to a place with a better climate!

Yes. I’m planning to live as a Digital nomad as least for 2-3 years. Until I finish my travel bucket list. After that I’ll decide where I want to stay. Like good and peaceful place for a family to grow. As of now India doesn’t seem like it for long term.

Does it mean you’re planning your trips and explorations outside of India as well? Or the bucket list includes India only, and then you plan to settle somewhere abroad?

That’s a hard question to answer. And you may still think that I’m being too much hopeful. But I think love of my life will just come. If it’s written in my destiny she isn’t going anywhere. We’ll meet when the time is right. So, I don’t have like a foolproof plan for how to find love during my travel journey. But just a hope that it’ll happen.

During the journey my work wouldn’t be finding love, but try to find my own self. Enjoy the mother nature. Be in the present and know that I’m part of this big ever-changing universe.

No, I don’t think you are too idealistic to believe that your true love is waiting somewhere for you. And that you’ll meet her when the time is right.

What you are describing is a very beautiful idea: to find your true self on your travels, and be one with mother nature and the universe. And if in that state of Being, you find someone who clicks with you and can Be (herself) alongside of you, that’s what you’re actually hoping for, right?

I just want to juxtapose this idealistic, romantic view with the idea of casual sex and “see ya senorita”, which you mentioned as a preferred approach during your travels. You cannot meet “the one” – who might be written for you in the stars – if you engage in casual sex with random girls you meet on your travels. You also cannot meet “the one” while in deadly fear of intimacy.

So you would have to choose which path to take. The path of trust (in the universe, to bring you closer to “the one”), or the path of fear, where you opt for casual sex and no strings attached.

In fact, when you meet “the one”, you’ll want to be attached to her with as many strings as possible, and for as long as possible… so actually, to be attached and bonded to the right person is a good and beneficial state of Being. It is called true love. But it cannot happen if you are afraid of those “strings”, i.e. of attachment to someone who deserves your love.

Okay you’re right about this. I kept shutting up myself like shut up she’s not your type so don’t hype up about her, don’t think about her. Don’t get excited. But yeah, reality is she did stir interest in me a lot At first. Now that interest is faded. After knowing she keeps repeating her mistakes. She’s quite childish and angry and no improvement in her even after years of therapy. And it’s not just about her in this. But I’m being selfish here. Why should I put time and energy for this?

Fair enough. You felt intrigued at first, but then you saw some of her behavior, which she keeps repeating, and you don’t like it. And it’s totally okay to use your discernment and say “no, I don’t want this, I don’t need this type of girl.”

And in that case, it’s okay if you act somewhat cold with her when she writes. I just thought you still have feelings for her because you said you got angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes.

But it seems that you kind of accepted that she is like that, and you’re not expecting too much from her, except occasional chat (We’re not enemies so we can talk sometime and that’s about it.).

In this case, your being on guard was justified because you saw the behaviors you don’t like (some of what you mentioned is: childish, angry, drinking, smoking, sending confusing vibes). So there was a reason to be on guard and not follow your emotions, even if she seemed exciting and mysterious at first.

So that’s cool that you didn’t throw away your rational mind but included it in the decision making. Because we need both the heart and the mind when deciding about important matters, including matters of the heart.

What I was warning you about is not to stuff down your emotions in general, even if you meet a girl that you like and whose behavior doesn’t raise red flags. When things are fine, and she seems fine, but then the fear in you awakens, and you start pretending like you don’t care.

I remember that with the doctor, you failed to write to her during your entire stay at your parents’ place, which was for more than a week, if I remember well? She was upset about it, and I’d say rightfully – because you were officially in a relationship.

I don’t know what you felt about her, but if you failed to write because you didn’t want to seem needy and like you cared too much – that’s a defense mechanism. That’s when your avoidance stems not from proper discernment, but from fear.

So I just wanted to make that difference.

Thanks, you’re right this is something also I really need to work on. When something like this happens, I just deny my feelings, Like what? This can’t be me. So I should be more honest with myself and accept that it’s okay to simply allow those human emotions. It’s normal.

Yes, you can allow yourself to feel, but you also don’t need to switch off your rational mind. Like, you are not completely swept off your feet that you throw away all common sense through the window. But I guess there is a little probability for the latter, since being careful, rational and on guard is your default “setting” 🙂

So I am encouraging you to keep using your common sense, also when it comes to romantic relationships. But also not to give in to fear if there is no real objection to the girl, but you suddenly start feeling trapped and you want out. Because that’s the fear speaking, not common sense.

Also, I think it would be important to express if something is bothering you about the girl. For example, if she is always late, you can say “I don’t like that you are always late. I’d appreciate if you arrived on time.”

Because if I understood you correctly, you have difficulty with expressing when something bothers you. You rather take it a danger signal and start withdrawing immediately, and shutting down vulnerability (as a part of your fearful avoidant attachment), rather than talking to the girl and expressing what is bothering you.

Because she might not be doing it on purpose, but because she isn’t aware that it bothers you. And she would be willing to change that behavior if she knew it bothers you.

But if you don’t say anything but start feeling resentful, you sort of circumvent vulnerability, because admitting that something bothers us is vulnerable. Because we might be rejected or ridiculed or told that we are too sensitive. We might be accused to being weak if we admit that something bothers us.

So I guess expressing our boundaries makes us vulnerable in a way. But it’s a must for communicating clearly and remaining emotionally intimate – remaining both true to ourselves (authentic) and open towards the other person.

So we don’t betray ourselves (and our needs), but we also don’t withdraw from the person. We express what we need. That’s how emotional intimacy is maintained.

So I guess a part of the exercise of allowing yourself to feel your emotions, is not only allowing yourself to feel excitement about a girl, but also to feel angry and hurt about something that she is doing, that you don’t like.

You don’t suppress your anger and pretend it’s not there (because that’s what you were doing in your first LDR), but you express what is bothering you. And then if you see they keep doing it again and again, with no regard for your feelings, and it’s something that is important to you, you may want to consider whether you want to be with that girl or not.

So in general, allowing yourself to feel all emotions, not stuffing them down, is the way to go (of course, you don’t need to show your raw emotions to everyone. But feel them and acknowledge them – for yourself).

BTW feeling all emotions is the way to decide what we want. Without being in touch with our emotions we cannot make good decisions.

That was even scientifically proven by a neuroscientist Antonio Damasio. He discovered that in patients who had a specific brain injury, due to which their neocortex wasn’t receiving signals from their limbic and reptilian brains (our emotional brain), the person lost interpersonal skills, the ability to read social cues, as well as the ability to make decisions. Which means that we need emotions to know what is good and bad for us – we cannot rely only on our rational mind.

I think there should be some good journaling course. Because there are times when I’m able to write down what I’m feeling but sometimes if I’m overwhelmed with lot of emotions at once it’s not easy to put it on paper.

If you go to youtube and search for “Crappy Childhood Fairy Daily Practice”, you’ll get several useful videos, including the one titled “FREE Course: The “Daily Practice” for Healing Childhood PTSD and CPTSD“. In the description of that video is the link to the free “Daily Practice” course. Which is basically the way to journal about your emotions. You write about things that you are afraid of and things that you are resentful about. So basically you journal about your fear and anger. And lots of good stuff comes out of it 🙂

And no I won’t be vulnerable with her. Like you said because I feel like she doesn’t deserve it.

Good. It does seem she has many issues (including the drinking problem), and isn’t really someone you could have a healthy relationship with. So it’s better to stay away and as you said, have a superficial contact.

BTW I hope I am not burdening you with these “tractates” (because I see this ended up being a looong post again). I sometimes tend to go overboard in trying to explain my point 🙂 Anyway, let me know if I should cut down a little 🙂