Dear Paradoxy,

I just don’t know the right word to describe the love between them, cause they do love each other, just not in the right way, they way we should be loving ig.

Love… not in the right way… is also called abuse.

You are gaslighting yourself that abuse is love. That’s how you are defending your parents (like every child does – it’s a survival mechanism) and putting all the blame on yourself. And that’s how you come up with the characterization that you have a flawed personality, which came to be in a vacuum, with no influence or fault of your parents.

In this latest post you are claiming that your father is trying to give you real love (my father is trying to give real love), when everything you’ve described here, over more than 3 months, is suggesting that he was and is severely abusing you and controlling you.

And you are repeating your parents’ toxic words, identifying with them, loathing yourself for not being able to please those “loving” parents:

I am just an embarrassment to my parents cause of all my stupidity and awkwardness and inability to talk to people and etc. Maybe it is just me. My lack of maturity, my inability to be of use to my parents, can’t even help them with their chores/work, my lack of intelligence, my lack of skill in anything, or the fact that I am a complete idiot. While the other kids became mature and responsible adults, I just became an immature idiot. I may be the best among my cousins, but I am still immature in the eyes of my parents since I will never be good enough compared to other children my age.

 

The love I understood is that love is patience, love is respect, love is understanding, love does not envy, love forgives.

You said your father is trying to give you real love. Has he given you any of the above?

[He is telling you what to do. His approach is not parental advice, it’s total control.] Both my parents do it. If there is anything they work together on, they definitely worked together for this one.

Your parents are united in totally controlling you? Is that what you’re saying?

I tried to make her look like some hard working woman by telling them about how she has a job and how she studyies well and etc but they only took it as a sign that she doesn’t have a good family to support her and that she probably slept with a bunch of men and etc.

Meaning that even though you tried to portray B as better than she is, your parents stuck to their prejudice and gave their quick judgment that she is a whore. Nice. Which also means that no matter how good and hard working a person may be, if she is of the wrong skin color – forget about it, they’re not buying it. Which btw means that B was right when she called your parents racist.

He treats everyone the same way, harsh and straight forward, but it is just that he ends up being right so often that people stop questioning him

Okay, so he is harsh and lacking empathy with everyone. And people understood he cannot be reasoned with, because he is so stubborn, so they stopped even trying. You think it’s because he is right about things, but it’s more likely that they don’t want to argue with someone who is so stubborn and refuses to understand a different point of view.

Yeah, there is no better way to describe this cause if I run from my parents, I am going to be shunned by my own parents, my relatives back home AND the community that I grew up in. They will side with my parents. Not me.

I understand that. But the fact that it wouldn’t be easy to stand up for yourself doesn’t mean you need to keep lying to yourself that they are good and loving parents, and that it is you who is the problem.

My father is also the one who told me that I should love the woman that accepted me for who I was (ironic coming from him)

Ironic indeed…

that is also the primary reason why I fell in love with B, cause she saw my flaws and loved me for it, or so I thought until I realized I was being fooled.

Yeah, she was probably love bombing you in the beginning, feigning care and support, plus pretending to be a perfect “housewife” too – no wonder you fell for it.

But it is still what I want, someone who accepts me for my flaws, my awkwardness and appreciates the love and care I have to offer instead of taking advantage of it.

The first person who needs to do that – accept you for your flaws and awkwardness – is yourself. So that entire paragraph of self-loathing that I quoted above (starting with “I am just an embarrassment to my parents“) would need to go. If you want to find true love.