Dear Helcat:

I am sorry that you and your brother suffered abuse from your biological mother, and that you are facing difficulties in your marriage and other stresses.

“I remember when I got the cat. She was being bullied by the other kittens, and I didn’t want her to be bullied anymore“- it is precious that you saved her from her bullies!

It’s good that you see the same couple therapist you’ve seen while pregnant and that your husband sees an individual therapist as well.

“Yes, I think we both feel like we cannot cope with anymore disagreements. Our nervous systems are overwhelmed. There is also a lot going on outside of the disagreements. Stress definitely adds to things“- minimizing stress wherever, whenever possible is first priority, seems to me.

“My feelings get hurt sometimes and my husband can tell even when I don’t say anything about it. And he wants to talk about it and I don’t and that makes him angry that I don’t want to talk to him about it… But for the first time he walked away and took time to himself when he was getting stressed. So that is one positive… He also explained that he doesn’t really want to leave, and the threatening to leave comes from a place of trying to push me away before I push him away… He doesn’t like leaving things alone“- reads like at times, when you get hurt, you need to walk away and take time to yourself, leaving things alone for the time being, but he gets anxious when you do that, and to resolve his anxiety, he wants you to talk to him instead of walking away.

When hurt, you shut down and want to leave things alone; when he’s anxious, he wants you to open up and confront things.

“My PTSD is quite bad because of the arguments“- I wonder if arguments happen this way: you get hurt=> you shut down/ walk away=> he follows you and insists that you to open up/ talk with him about what’s bothering you=> you argue that you need time for yourself and he argues that he needs you to talk about it.. ?

“I have been reading a lot about couples counselling and relationship advice. The theory is basically that he is hurt by me withdrawing. And he acts out when he’s hurt. He just wants connection. And I just keep withdrawing more and more. Because I withdraw when I’m hurt“- reads like a dynamic that is common in couples during conflict, only that it’s usually the man who withdraws and the woman is the one who wants to talk about things.

“I also want connection, but I don’t really feel safe emotionally“- you withdraw because in those moments, you don’t trust him, nor would you trust anyone..?

I asked a few questions above, but there is no expectation on my part that you answer my questions, particularly when you need to leave things alone and not confront things. It’s easy for me to ask questions, but if it’s difficult for you to answer, and when it is not to your advantage.. please don’t answer. And please let me know if you’d like me to no longer ask you questions and instead, to provide a different kind of support.

anita