Dear CutieJ:

You are welcome.

“I do want to say that the picture frame I broke was Styrofoam, and I couldn’t even punch the TV that well, but I really understand that’s not what it matters”- you mentioned what I boldfaced because it does matter to you. You wouldn’t have mentioned these if it didn’t matter to you.

“Maybe my dad thought the same way too, that it wasn’t that serious, when he broke things – when all those moments I felt scared, sad, and helpless“- maybe he broke things, material things, not as badly as other people break things, but he broke his daughter’s heart badly, didn’t he?

When you broke the picture frame, it didn’t hurt the feelings of the frame, Styrofoam or not; it hurt the feelings of the person watching you breaking the frame. It hurt the person you wanted to hurt.

“One thing that hurt me the night we fought, I once again mentioned that she promised me to go to therapy after her first lie (about her ex) and she didn’t, and she said, ‘Yeah? And how many times did you go to therapy? Like 100 times? Did that fix you?’“- well, she had a point. Maybe you need a different therapist, one who will help you fix certain behaviors?

“My mind was constantly in a chaos, a minefield, and I blamed her for creating this situation“- you haven’t yet taken responsibility for your behaviors (misbehaviors, that is).

“Today she is going to play pickleball with her colleagues, and I just want to get through the day without any problem“- if there are problems today, please don’t be the one creating them.

“Tomorrow is the day I leave. I am scared. still. I work out regularly, I meditate, I write my journals all the time, talk to close people, take a walk, try to grow hobbies, but honestly, I always feel like I’m broken, both physically and mentally. I want to give up. I am not suicidal, I just want to give up. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this hot mess, and I can just live a happy and normal life. Thank you for reading.“- you are welcome. Time to heal your broken heart. Time to no longer continue your father’s legacy of Rage and Abuse.

Did you ever express, in therapy, anger at your father? Are you in contact with your father, numb to your anger at him.. while re-directing your anger to her, to your current or former (?) girlfriend?

anita