I can understand that you are feeling anxious and need some guarantees that you’ll not feel pain again. I know it feels horrible to not be in control and be so aware of not being in control. That is one of the gifts to you right now: to be so aware of the loss of control of the situation. I can understand the manic feelings as well. Your mind is probably furiously trying to figure out how to survive. The good thing is that nothing bad is going to happen. You are just going to have to learn that nothing bad will happen, even if you’re not in control. Or let’s put it this way: it’s more likely that something bad will happen if you’ll furiously try to control other people and events, and more likely that things will go smoothly if you can just let go and allow things to happen.

I wasn’t able to let go of him. Never was. I tried everything, but I wasn’t successful, so that was another thing I had to accept. Though he didn’t let go of me either. If he would’ve eventually said that he really doesn’t want anything to do with me, then I think I would’ve been able to let go. He is still in my life in the background, and we are both still holding onto some hope. I am not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but time will tell. I continue not to be in control of the situation and it helps me to remember that it’s OK to not be in control.

Allow yourself to ease into the situation and accept the reality. It’s not going to happen just like that, but try it. Try to relax and allow the pain and fear to wash over you. It’s scary, but it will not kill you, and after you’ve noticed that you were strong enough to survive it, you’ve grown a little bit more. Fighting back isn’t going to help. You can try to outwit the reality, but you’ll only end up getting more hurt down the line. I read somewhere that humility is not trying to outsmart the reality, but accepting it as it is. I think it’s a helpful thought. I always feel really safe and good when I allow myself to feel more humble and remember that it’s not my job to control this world and everyone in it.

I agree with Chris about the support groups. It was extremely helpful to me. You can notice so many things when you’re in the same room with others who have similar survival tactics as you do. Whether that be manipulation, passive-aggressiveness or what ever ways we have learned along the way. It’s also good to acknowledge that you are still very capable of fooling yourself and others. It’s easy to say things without actually working on them, because the actual work is scary and hard. You have to be really honest with yourself.

It will be OK, however you’ll just have to learn how to trust yourself and the world around you. Things might not go the way you want them to go, but if you can accept that, things will go your way eventually.