Blaice,
Thank you so much for sharing. It is comforting to know I’m not alone in some of the feelings and details of my relationship. As much as I do know that, it means a lot every time someone shares their experiences and views. Thank you I appreciate it!
My husband and I dated for 4 years before marrying. We have been married just over 10 years when we separated.
I do agree that all issues are marital. I only separated them because that is how my husband sees it. He was very adamant that one did not affect the other in the beginning. I believe he is learning this is not so, but his pace and acceptance is so much slower than mine. it is true how you say the world is too selfish to accept that people are fundamentally different from us. I did struggle a lot with that in the beginning but I do understand it now and I am trying to be patient and accept it. I DO want my marriage to work and stay in tact.
You’re descriptions of your and your ex’s personalities are so much in line with my husband’s and mine. We always say we don’t even know what most of our fights were truly about…but they were nasty. it’s really sad, we do agree on that.
We talked for a couple hours last night. I think he realizes his actions are not matching his words and he is losing me if he continues to not address his emotions and feelings. He has made a counseling appointment by himself, and we are suspending marriage counseling for now. So he is now not just talking but taking action also. It’s a step in the right direction. We will continue counseling separately until we both decide to make the marriage a priority. I was able to discuss the ‘limbo’ feeling of our separation. He does admit he is torn over how he feels about me, but he does want to move past the anger and try to work things out. He asked me not to give up yet and give a little more time. I was able to get him to understand that I needed some actions from him to know that I was not the only one trying. A phone call, an impromptu dinner date, anything. He said he understands and will do better.
I am aware that people in his shoes have a harder time changing – you hit the nail on the head about “having a very conceited idea of relationships and expectations and their needs should be priority” – I see this in him. And for me “wanting to introduce radical change by starting fresh at some given scale” ; it’s as if you’ve sat in our counseling sessions! Seriously. I appreciate your advice on working through things slowly, incrementally as the best way to achieve results. I need to remind myself this often. I know now that that is the approach we need to take but you put it in words so eloquently. I am determined to try everything. I do not take marriage lightly and if we cannot work through this I want to look in the mirror and know in my heart that I tried all I could – the best I could.
I will do the personality test you linked with him. It may help to realize our differences using any tools we can find. Thanks for sharing. You’re advice and you’re story too. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I am learning a lot about myself in this process so even if my marriage cannot be put back together, I am grateful for the lessons I’m learning 🙂

Take care,
Tina