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My Dear Nun Friend Rewa
Hey, you may feel that you have done all the right things in the last 18 years but have you ? Ask yourself this question again and please answer it honestly. Answer it like how a child would.
If you are unhappy, you generate negativity and can you imagine how much negativity you have created over the last 18 years ? How can anyone be happy with 18 years worth of BS ? How can you truly say that you have followed everything properly ?
First principle of any religion is to generate love and positivity. Love for self. Love for others. Respect for self. Respect for others. Where is your love and respect for yourself ? You can only respect someone else when you offer respect to yourself first.
I am sorry but you may have lived your life as a nun but you have not understood the meaning of Dharma. Guru never judges and if you are beating yourself for the fact that what would your guru think if you leave the monastery, then you need to do more work on self lady !!! Living in a monastery, having a guru etc doesn’t equal happiness or self realisation in life. You need to feel it too.
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON and NO SO-CALLED GURU IN THIS WORLD CAN DO ANYTHING WRONG TO YOU unless you let them do it. Our karmas are ours to do and others are theirs to do. Our fruits are ours to bear and others are theirs to bear. We do not share our karmas with anyone. Raise your consciousness and you will know this for yourself.
Life is meant to be a joy and you are sucking the joy out of your own life by going round and round in circles. WHY ? Who is asking you or driving you to do that ? Have some faith in your self and in your inner god. We are all Buddhas already but some of us have not realised it as yet.
Please be gentle with yourself; learn to smile; go and enjoy your life !!!!! You are worth it.
Jasmine