Hello Susan,

I read your post yesterday and wanted to respond then, but felt a bit shocked. I’m still not quite sure what to say, but I’ll try.

Kicking someone out of a mutual home is a really cold and cruel thing to do. Unless there would be domestic violence or some similar type of situation, where people are under threat, there really is no excuse for such behaviour. A home should be a place where you can rest and be safe, and to take it away from another person without a warning is just…well the thought just makes me really angry. Aside from the breakup of the relationship, please do take some time to restore and heal your feelings of basic security and trust.

I know we all want to think that we’re different when it comes to someone who has a pattern of behaviour in relationships. Love is blind and it feels so magical at first. Of course you are different and you were different for her as well, but that does not change the fact that she has her own issues that actually have nothing to do with you, nor anyone else she has dated previously. They are her problems that she should deal with. You can not change another person and romantic love isn’t a form of therapy.

All that said, I can understand that you want her back. Or perhaps you want to restore the point when everything was still normal. Put the genie back in the bottle and wish that nothing had happened. I know it’s scary and difficult to accept, and I really am sorry for the pain that you have to go through.

You can’t force peace, but surprisingly, sometimes when you allow the pain and sorrow to come out, accept it and greet it like a friend, it turns into peace. The lack of peace isn’t necessarily the fact that you are in a turmoil, but that you are in addition trying to fight the turmoil and the pain. You’ve been pushed to a certain direction in life and you’re trying to claw your way back, and that is not going to be peaceful.

Would there be some kind of local support group where you could go and let it all out? You can let it out here as well, but it’s just not the same as physically sharing with people who feel your pain and understand. Have you ever spoken with her previous partners and do you know what happened there? Approaching it, not from a place of pettiness and desire for revenge, but from a place of desire to understand and to be heard, to actually hear from someone who has gone through a similar thing and has had a longer time to get some distance. Also, perhaps, and I’m not saying that’s the case, but you could look at some of the writings and discussion of the victims of narcissists. She doesn’t have to be one, but the lack of empathy is similar in those cases as well.

You are still probably in shock, in mourning and it is understandable that you can’t see the situation from a neutral point of view. Heck, I can’t see it from a neutral point of view, as I’m still so angry about the fact that a person would have been thrown out of their home! So I’m hoping that other people with less emotional reaction would pitch in 🙂

Susan, don’t fret. Things have a way of working out in the end, and down the line you might realise that this was a blessing in disguise. I know it doesn’t seem like that now, and you have a difficult road ahead of you, but it might lead to something pretty wonderful.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.