Amanda,

I was drawn in by the title of your blog post, as I can relate to some degree in your predicament. I am 26 years old and going on 5.5 years as a Chicago transplant (previously in San Diego and Phoenix). Yes, mirroring the cold brutality of the NYC winter months, I as well was ready to book it outta here in March. Sadly, my own self-doubt and uncertainty (amongst more practical matters) has kept me here four months past expiration and finally ready to move back. Nevertheless, I’ve gained a deeply profound bit of insight that I’m hoping to convey clearly to you; from one happy wanderer to another in a moment of question.

Similarly, albeit none the less sincere, I joke of going through my own pre mid-life crisis; having strived for the standardized approach to epitomizing “success” – as defined by our westernized/modern culture – in Corporate America and recently stepping away from that path completely. This seems to be where you’re at in your life. I as well, in a varying degree…although, hopefully with some helpful insight to offer you to ponder upon.

For seven years I threw myself into an industry that I (A) Grew up in (surely this meant I should follow suit to my parents. (B) Perceived as successful (really anything requiring a pant suit and salary). (C) Well, it’s what I was already doing anyway. And last but certainly not least, likely the most weighty of the four, there’s (D) What would people think should I choose otherwise? (i.e., what does that say about me?? My character might be in question. My work ethic suddenly takes a dive. I won’t fit into the system…does this mean I’m an outsider now??, etc.).

Suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, this juncture becomes apparent to us at all the right times as well as the most inopportune. Without a way to gauge the timing or really understand it, we ‘re often left in an unrelenting state of confusion. Unfortunately, the conditioning of the status quo by way of socialization in America creates these metaphorical self-agreements that we carry in our back pocket all our lives. That is, until we reach a point of opposition – whether internal or external – and begin to raise question.

-Did I make the right choice?
-How do I combat the stress and doubt bred by uncertainty?
-Was I right to trust my intuition and sever the ties? …wait…aren’t I supposed to just have “faith” in my intuition?
-What if I make a mistake, what if it doesn’t work out?
-How do I take that first step when every direction is blanketed in fog??
HELP!

Well…wouldn’t I just be the blubbering fool of my own satire to claim I didn’t ask myself those five questions of doubt at least a dozen times a day. And boy did I! Allow me to digress…

As a self-proclaimed student of the enlightened, I find myself in a perpetual state of self-seeking; understanding my own mental and behavioral paradigms to align with a higher state of being, or rather, a higher state of “I don’t give a damn!” (take the latter with a positive grain of salt). Dismantling my systematic approach towards life in general and recalibrating the areas of lacking doesn’t necessarily come with ease or clarity for that matter, but it’s certainly rewarding by way of self-discovery and personal development.

However, while you might reach a certain understanding in a state of idle contemplation, whether that be through meditation, journaling, art, conversing, etc., it is the active state of “doing” that will yield a viable solution in the form of direction (if not a clear answer). We’ll call this “Directed Thought”. Alternatively, action strictly based on the external-value system can leave you feeling purposeless, empty, or constantly striving for more.

And therein lies the problem. We often master one of two critical components to life success (“life success” by your own definition) through Directed Thought. That being either:

1) Self-discovery: The subconscious state of being; receptive awareness
or..
2) Self-creation: The conscious state of doing; action awareness

In our external driven culture, we easily and far to often lose critical awareness to the latter (Component 2), where all the emphasis is put on the active state of “doing” while the receptive state of “being” is ignored. The success of the Directed Thought growth process lies in the intrinsically simple construct of bringing these two uniquely vital dimensions together. Self -discovery and Self-creation (thought to action, conception to creation).

The idea being, to wander. But(!) to wander in a general direction. There’s a beauty in this and more importantly a purpose. As we attempt to maintain yesterday while simultaneously innovate tomorrow, we reach a stalemate between our soul-guided voice and our ego-driven mind; this is where confrontation happens…and as you’ve experienced, confrontation of the two breeds confusion of self.

What I do find incredibly inspiring about your situation is that you’ve already identified two key variables in the decision making journey: What do I really want? And What am I afraid of?

Your inner truth tells you:
“I’d rather be writing, traveling, working in vineyards, writing for cookbooks, or starting a family.”

More importantly, you’ve pinpointed your fear voice:
“I’d like to think it’s the latter, because I don’t really want to do TV right now, but I’m afraid I’ll regret it”

You’re at a point of transition as you reassess your old set of values. And while typically I would assess the next step as the redefining of a new set of values, this doesn’t appear to be the case, as your last sentence very pointedly tells all:

“Which is the right voice, or how will I know?”

It appears this isn’t so much a question of “which voice is right?” as much as it’s a matter of accepting what you know to be true to self (“gut feeling” as you put it). And to realize, you don’t have to be(come) the person you are, just because that’s the way you’ve always been. Meaning, not only is okay to change from what you’ve always know to be your “identity”, it’s imperative to your personal growth process to redefine yourself in all the ways you feel compelled to transform.

Otherwise, complacency sets in and the regret of not “taking a chance” impedes upon your current route anyway, should you choose to stay the course. This one path option we keep ourselves on can often leave our goals to the mercy of what I call the horizon effect. No matter how quick your pace, how focused your gaze, you can’t help but feel you’ll never quite reach your destination ahead. This leaves room for laziness to consume our progress (one of your concerns) or the “some day” syndrome to set in indefinitely. Making it far to easy to lose sight on a day-to-day basis as you operate under the illusion of time. You eventually find regret to be a possibility either way. Does it not make sense to take a leap into the more fulfilling of the unknown?

So before allowing your fear voice to justify it’s presence through the form of potential regret, I propose utilizing the tools of Directed Thought…

1-Self-discovery first: envision the life you want and strategize how you will get there.
Then apply..
2-Self-creation: build a fundamental transition strategy and pursue it. Live it out, give yourself a probationary period if you must. Include a contingency if you aren’t happy down the road.

Your fear voice will tell you to refrain; that regret is an impending inevitable. So this is also where the “what if” scenario can play an effective role for once. For instance, what if I DID move to a small town, work on a vineyard, switch paths and write for cookbooks while building a family?…what do I envision for myself and how would I get there if? What if I regret my choice after all, can I transition back? And if so, will the professional setback outweigh my joy to be back in the industry? etc.

This “what if’ing” eliminates any illusory obstacle (illusory being the operative word) that you might perceive and opens your mind to thinking outside your current mental boundaries. By practicing the Directed Thought method in tandem with a “what if” scenario, you allow innovation to flow freely. These unconventional methods, while effective on their own, actually have quite a bit of power when used simultaneously.

Just remember that you’re not alone in your pursuits or wrong to deviate from a path seemingly well paved. Most people are inclined to respond with their fear voice when faced with drastic life shifts by immediately labeling it as irresponsible, flighty, or most deceiving of all…impossible. However, backed by thoughtful planning and diligence, your actions quickly shift from a chronic state of someday to now-action.

Don’t let fear of regret hold you back, Amanda. There’s only ONE thing worse than getting to the end of a long day working on a vineyard, as you sit down to write for a cookbook, family running about in the background…and that is…never having given yourself the opportunity to experience what that life would feel like.

Happy wandering 🙂