Hi Dia,

I’m not sure how to directly post to you – so I’ll add to this thread.. sorry if it’s a duplicate!

Dear Dia,
In my early 20s I lost my best friend. We were attached at the hip since birth, his death came to a surprise and I was completely floored. Interestingly enough, I always worried about losing him and then my nightmare came true… cue in panic mode. I could not get the courage to leave the house, do new things… I constantly thought I was dying, I can’t even express how anxiety took over my life and how I worried my family. I was born a worrywart – so we share that in common as well.

I need to tell you this, IT IS OKAY! It feels so bad right now, but it will get better. What was key for me.. was learning that I was GRIEVING and my anxiety masked it. Bereavement is NOT depression and it is NOT anxiety. It is what happens when we lose someone we love, and depression and anxiety may be apart of it, but they are merely just symptoms. It is a way to tell yourself to deal with the emotions you may be hiding. I would recommend talking your heart out to someone, whether a family member or friend, therapist, etc. Talking about it, writing in a journal, expressing your feelings helps you digest the reality and helps your brain figure it all out. Overtime, the emotions won’t feel so overwhelming.

I was so disturbed to find out how fragile life was, how it can change in a split second. I also suffered from some serious insomnia. I ended up taking anti-anxiety pills.. which made me feel like a emotionless zombie, the day I threw the anti-anxiety pills out, I sensed a bit of confidence, like I had a little fight in my left after all. Not suggesting for you to stop the meds, just in my instance, I felt like they stopped the anxiety but did nothing for the depression.. but they did make me realize that I was depressed, I lost my best friend! I was grieving and the reality of my loss did not settle in yet…

Also, OCD is a symptom of anxiety and so is being Hypochondriac, having “safety behaviours” helps to cope with the overpowering anxious thoughts, similar to how social anxiety is a symptom of panic. It is a way to distract you of what you’re really feeling.
I’m really sorry for your loss. But there is happiness for you if you allow it, I promise. You need to build your spirit up, your confidence, and find the will to live life happily. I’m sure your mother would want that for you. The way I looked at it was.. my loss happened, I suffered and that’s it. I did the best the I could, and I’ll love and miss him forever but I still have a lot of life left, a lot of people I love with me still, and a lot of people I haven’t met yet.

It is okay that you feel this way but start to move forward. Help, care and love yourself.

I would recommend a journal, a therapist, some communities have group sessions for grievers (highly recommend), discover new hobbies, put some time and effort into your health, ie., working out, meal plans, etc. It makes a world of a difference.
Invest in your future self, what you do today may not make you feel instantly better, but it will in time. This act of self kindness goes a long way.

I hope this helps – wishing you strength through these hard times.