Thanks all for your posts! You’re all lovely people. You have spoken of things I have already thought and have encouraged me. I realize I am just not ready to live with someone, let alone HIM, even though I love him, right now I am rediscovering who I am aged 29, without christianity defining me any more and so the reason I am in such turmoil is I feel the need to be alone, but if I end it with my boyfriend, that will really be it, the end. For 6 years it was on and off because of distance and jobs and different countries and my faith etc and so this time it was to really commit and go for it…but I am just not serene within. I feel like there’s a monkey on my shoulder constantly throwing me doubts and questions and meaning I can’t just enjoy each moment.
However, I spoke to my boyfriend last night and I realize a change needs to be made. Even though it’s a financial risk because I don’t have a steady job etc I want a place of my own, my things, my bolt hole and he needs his space too, we are both super independent people and me also being an only child means we both need space. I feel in that way I will feel I have done everything to allow the relationship to blossom and work because I think each person needs to be happy first and the thing is that right now here I have stepped into his world and haven’t yet created mine which I love. I keep thinking “just go back home, go back to the UK” (i am english), because I am missing dear friends and family, but I am also not sure running away is the answer…But I also don’t want to keep pushing myself, you know being unhappy but forcing myself to stay. It’s all a bit of a muddle! But Apothic, I would say to you, create a life you love independent of your relationship, that’s what I am realizing is necessary because that’s the way a relationship will thrive. Also, it’s necessary to avoid any feelings of resentment…you know if it doesn’t work out or even day to day, it’s not healthy to be blaming the other person, after all we are responsible for our happiness and well-being…